August 13, 2012

  • 1The thing I noticed, after some continuous realisation and change for four years, is that :

    I spent five years getting bullied because I obey rules and like recognition so I'd often sold my friends out.

    Spent another five years to earn their approval because you'd realise you are more out-school than in-school, nobody's gonna protect you when school's off. Even though they continue to bully you, you just feel increased wanted their approval, leading the anger to your brothers.

    Fear+Pressure in top school = Another five years wasted in Secondary School making no friends until F.5.

    Four years wasted bemoaning and semi-deliberately doing badly + devil-may-care in school to let yourself comfort yourself, offending all others.

    Now it's year three. A mistake can be forgive, a second mistake can be forgiven, not a third one.

    2In internship, because of the culture and they really treat you as a co-worker, there isn't something like the usual mentor-trainee thing. They just treat you as one of them, no talk, no sharing, just business.

    Guess that's also because it's External Affairs, all women, and as I have said my passionate intentions turned bad and people thought I was egocentric. I am not, but that doesn't matter, because people felt I was. It's hard to change a woman's impression, lest a dozen.

    Time to live up to an adult. I really feel sucked when the school called me asking how am I doing. It's like nowadays Uni grads are so weak, need help in finding intern, must also comfort them lest they feel bad in working like primary school kids, although they'd call everyone.

    3In the past when I said I wanted to change, I felt impulsive, excited, eventually that emotion frittered away easily. Like an immature relationship.

    Now that I am trying to get myself back into the game, I don't feel anything particular, just plans, dates, being resourceful, making proper and accurate judgments. Like how I feel in my workplace, no talk, no chatter, no nice consolation (Except from school), they treat you as a real staff, an adult. New experience, a good experience too, for reality is shown.

    Feeling that's more like it.

    4 If I'd like Second Honours, 'd be needing all A or A- in my studies in all subjects in my following semester. But then I overworked a bit in the past semesters, need only four subjects each semester.

    Probable, let's just start with all B+ and see how things go. Moaning is not helpful, act in the only way possible and available. Play on, wait and hope.