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Wednesday, 02 December 2009

  • 活用幽默

    en080803

    從什麼而來,也從什麼而去。從口試中看見了一切,成果也是先開始從口試看到。

    上兩個星期和女校有Oral Pratice,當中抽到了中國文化一條,說是要什麼什麼在校內推動中國文化,每個人也在Individual Presentation之中要介紹一種中國傳統,我抽到的是京劇粵劇。

    好了,Individual Presentation,最重要還是Humour。

    文中說:「The young learners need to have a comprehensive understanding of the Chinese History, Culture and Tradition.」

    我望了望其他組員,想了想:「Probably we need an A in Chinese Language in Culture in the A level.」

    跟住再讀:「They also need to put on make-ups, sing and dance on the stage, playing different characters.」

    然後我停一停,沉默了幾秒:「Probably we need a Chinese Michael Jackson.」

     

    或者說,比起我上一年故意態度囂張來討好異性,這樣的做法穩重也成熟多了,但不失一種機鋒,對事情的敏銳觀察和幽默感。而這一種,不是我之前純粹以為的「技巧」,而是一種生活的哲學和態度。

    接受事實真相是成長階段中的痛苦過程,但只有這樣,一個人才能擁有真實的心境,或曰真實的思考態度。說到底,幽默就是灑脫的心思。不必疑神疑神,畏首畏尾,老是做作硬要說教反而自大狂妄。對往事盡可能聳一聳肩,笑了就算。

    我從小都大一直在男校讀書,回想起那次只是因為不懂得怎樣和異性相處。實在不該太苛求自己,不重犯就好。

     

    自己校的班和班的同學也有練習,每個星期也在午飯時抽些時間做一年的試題。有次做「Brain Research」,我們四個男人都不知道說些什麼好,想來想去也只是差不多的東西。

    六分鐘後我們快要死氣(Dead Air)了,有個同學看勢色不對,自己想不出東西說,可是也不想死,所以就開始問人問題。可是我們不是不想答,但Idea是用盡了嘛。他見我好像平時比較善談,所以說了幾句自己的意見後,想我挽回點局勢,就問我:「What do you think then?」

    死定了,Idea 都用完,算吧,奇正不勝窮,都六分鐘,可以加點鹽加點醋。就只得聳一聳肩,無奈和尷尬的笑說:「Well, I think it's splendid.」

    之後全場人都抓狂,連老師都忍不住笑了起來。

     

    李天命先生再次漂亮地展示了尖酸和幽默的分別。

     

Tuesday, 01 December 2009

  • Inside the Dignitas house (A notable entry)

    Ludwig-Minelli-of-Dignita-002.jpg

    Ludwig Minelli is explaining the best techniques for an efficient suicide when the doorbell goes and he pauses to answer via an intercom. It is already dark outside his cluttered, dimly lit conservatory, and heavy rain is beating at the glass roof. "Would you excuse me for a moment?" he says, frowning at the interruption. "A taxi driver tells me that Greek persons are coming and they want to speak with me."

    Ten minutes later he reemerges, shaking out his black anorak which is glistening with rain. "It's absurd," he says, with an embarrassed laugh. "A Greek lady and her uncle, knowing not a single word of German and no English have come to Zurich." Standing on his doorstep in the pouring rain, the Greek woman has somehow made it clear that she would like him to help her to die.

    Such peculiar intrusions happen every month or so because Minelli, 76, is now famous around the world as the founder of Dignitas, the not-for-profit assisted suicide organisation that has helped 1,032 people to die since 1998. He tells anecdotes, with black humour, of other unexpected visitors who arrive, hoping to die. A few months ago, as he was driving home, he saw a German taxi parked at the side of the road, the driver asking a passer-by for directions. "I stopped because I knew there could only be one person they were looking for," he says. Inside there was a woman in her 90s who had taken a 300km taxi ride from Munich and who told him: "I am now here."

    Another time there was a young man from Germany, only 20 but profoundly depressed, who rang him and said: "I am in front of your house. I want to die, immediately."

    "I do not like these incidents," Minelli says. "It is not very agreeable either for me or for the people looking for help." He has sent the Greek woman away, telling her he cannot help her since she has made no appointment, but he is dismayed at the suffering that has driven her to travel from Athens to seek out his home in a suburban village outside Zurich, and mutters: "Deplorable."

    There are established procedures that must be followed in order to receive Minelli's assistance in securing a swift death with a 15mg dose of a lethal drug. Merely turning up on his doorstep is not the correct way.

    First, you need to become a member of Dignitas; anyone can join if they pay an annual fee of 80 Swiss francs (£47). When you are ready to die, you need to send in copies of your medical records, a letter explaining why things have become intolerable and £1,860. These files are dispatched to one of Dignitas's affiliated doctors, who considers on the basis of the medical history whether or not he would be ready to write a prescription for the fatal dose. If he agrees in principle, then a "green light" is given to the member, and they can contact staff at the Dignitas headquarters, who will schedule a date and offer advice on hotels. Once they arrive in Zurich, the individual must pay £620 for two appointments with the doctor (to check their records and prescribe the drugs) and a further £1,860 to pay for two Dignitas staff members to organise and witness the death. Those who cannot afford the fees may pay less.

    Since Swiss law allows assisted suicide, but not euthanasia (the difference being that the person who wants to die must actively take the dose himself), the act of voluntarily drinking the drug, mixed with 60ml of water, and the subsequent death is videoed by the Dignitas companions, who stay behind to deal with the police and the undertakers in the hours that follow. For those unable to lift the glass to their lips, there is a machine that will administer it, once they press a button.

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    In the months leading up to the death, Minelli and his colleagues repeatedly question whether the individual really wants to die, and set out alternatives to suicide. "It is quite simple. As long as we are able to help them in the direction of life, we help them in the direction of life," he says. When this fails, "We are ready to help them in the other direction."

    The vast majority of people who visit Dignitas are the terminally ill or those with an incurable, progressive disease. "Usually, if the person has terminal cancer, motor neuron disease or multiple sclerosis and they are telling us 'I don't like to live some weeks or months until the terrible end', then it is quite clear and we have no difficulty in saying yes," Minelli says.

    Then there are those people who are just tired of life. With life expectancy growing and medical sophistication improving, people are increasingly worried about whether they will be "condemned to linger on", Minelli says, "forced to end their lives in an institution. Our members say: with our pets, when they are old and in pain, we help them. Why am I not entitled to go to the vet? Why haven't I such an opportunity? We hear this often."

    But it is not always as simple as he suggests. Minelli's vision goes beyond helping the infirm to shorten a painful end; his views are much more radical. He believes the right to choose to die is a fundamental human right and, in theory, he is willing to help anyone.

    News that the conductor Sir Edward Downes, 85, travelled this summer to Dignitas to die together with his wife Joan, 74, who had terminal liver and pancreatic cancer, prompted questions over why he had been allowed to die too – when he was virtually blind and increasingly deaf, but not himself terminally ill. The same questions were asked when Daniel James, a 23-year-old rugby player, paralysed during a training accident, was helped to die.

    Minelli offers dry cinnamon-and-nutmeg biscuits and an unusual Chinese tea – white monkey paw – which he has meticulously prepared, sticking a thermometer into the kettle, heating the water to precisely 70C, setting a digital alarm for five minutes to allow the tea to brew before decanting it into a vacuum flask. Then he sets out his vision like this: everyone should have the right to end their life, not just the terminally ill, but anyone who wants to, and he passes no moral judgment on their wishes. "We don't discuss moral questions. What moral? Which moral? Catholic? Muslim? Buddhist? We are just working of the atheist basis of self-determination," he says.

    Section 115 of the Swiss Criminal Code says that anyone who acts on selfish motives to assist someone to kill themselves can be punished with up to five years in jail. The law has been interpreted by Dignitas and other assisted suicide organisations as meaning that assisted suicide is not illegal as long as there is no selfish intent (such as helping an aunt to die in order to get her inheritance).

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    But the Swiss medical regulations inhibit Minelli's more radical ideas, prohibiting doctors from prescribing drugs to healthy people, and restricting involvement in assisted suicide for the mentally ill – making it practically impossible for Dignitas to help people who are profoundly depressed to die. This is a prohibition that Minelli is fighting.

    So far there have been no prosecutions following any of the suicides he has helped organise (for people from more than 60 countries, 132 from Britain) but Minelli is involved in a handful of legal battles with the Swiss government, determined to clarify the law which governs suicide.

    "We have a lot of members [who have had] depression for years and years and years. They say, 'We have tried so many treatments and they haven't worked.' If they tell you 'I have been depressed for 15 years and I don't intend to be so for another 15 years', who should say no to that?" In extremis, he will offer advice on how to end one's life efficiently at home.

    Breaking the taboo of suicide

    Three firmly held beliefs lie beneath this practice. First, his conviction that once you give someone the freedom to talk about suicide this reduces their desire to go ahead with it. Second, he believes that even the offer, in the abstract, of an assisted suicide gives someone who is in pain a lot of relief – they know that their future no longer rests on a decision between enduring "the hell of their own suffering or attempting a high-risk suicide by themselves". His research shows that 80% of those who get the green light to go ahead with an assisted suicide do not go through with it.

    Third, he argues that providing a service to help people kill themselves properly will reduce the large number of catastrophically failed suicides. He is appalled by the prevalence of botched suicides, committed in isolation by desperate people who do not have the expertise necessary to succeed. He points out that it is now very difficult to kill oneself by overdosing on tablets – instead they ruin the functioning of their liver. Jumping from a building, throwing oneself beneath a train, and trying to use a gun also tend not be very effective, he points out, frequently leaving the individual alive but in a terrible state physically. These failed suicide attempts end up putting a heavy burden on a nation's health service, he says, another motivation for his organisation's work.

    "If we want to reduce the number of suicides and suicide attempts, we should break the taboo of suicide. We should not say suicide should not happen, we should say suicide is a marvellous opportunity given to man to withdraw them from a situation that is unbearable for them," he argues.

    The-premises-where-assist-010.jpg

    His fondness for describing suicide as a "marvellous opportunity" is very irritating to conservative Swiss officials who object to the country's new image as a suicide tourism destination. (Minelli brushes off the suggestion that his work has damaged the nation's reputation, with a typically acid aside: "Switzerland was already famous for tax-evasion tourism.")

    Whilst in Britain the director of public prosecutions, Keir Starmer QC, is working on reducing the likelihood of being prosecuted for assisting a suicide, the trend in Switzerland is edging in the other direction. The Swiss government last month announced that it would consult on whether to ban, or call for greater regulation of, assisted suicide. On a more personal level, one of Minelli's opponents in the public prosecutor's office has told him that there will eventually be a "biological solution" to the problem of Dignitas, hinting that he hopes Minelli will drop dead.

    Minelli courts controversy with some of his more inflammatory comments. Condemning the Swiss government's campaigns to regulate the arrival of suicidal foreigners, he remarks: "In the second world war they closed the borders to Jews and those Jews who wanted to come here were repelled, and were murdered in concentration camps. And now we have people looking to end their lives in Switzerland and they are sent back and forced to live on. What is the difference? What is more cruel?"

    His decision to found Dignitas, leaving behind a career as a human rights lawyer, has its roots in a childhood memory of witnessing his dying grandmother begging her doctor in vain to help her end things. The experience inspired an attachment to the concept of a good death.

    "Death is the end of our life. After a good life, we should have a good death. A good death is death without pain, where you can say 'I had a good life, and I can now go to the other side,'" he says. "Nowadays, death is exported to institutions, to hospitals. Death has become a lonely occasion."

    To illustrate how a good death should take place, Minelli offers a visit to the apartment where Dignitas members can come to die. Cheerful and eager to be helpful, he arrives to collect me the following morning, dressed in sagging brown corduroy jacket, faded blue T-shirt, blue silk cravat and socks beneath his Velcro-strapped sandals. He has been up since 5.15am at his computer, and worked late the night before too, driving several miles to see whether a Greek restaurant owner might be persuaded to volunteer as an interpreter should the suicidal Greek woman return. Despite this, he is bouncing with energy, running up steps and striding around.

    As we drive through the autumnal Swiss lakeside landscape, past silver birches with golden leaves, wooden chalets with neat green shutters and cascading red geraniums, he describes the multiple difficulties he has had in finding a permanent place to carry out the suicides. Neighbours at earlier apartments complained at the constant presence of undertakers, while another flat in a purely residential area was shut down by the local council. Permission to offer his own sitting room as a venue was refused. For a while, suicides were carried out in hotel rooms and a few people from Germany decided they would prefer to die in their own cars in a motorway lay-by.

    A new flat in an industrial area was so brutal in its simplicity that several relatives were horrified by the surroundings and one, Daniel Gall, was so upset that he wrote a book denouncing the experience, published earlier this year, J'ai Accompagné Ma Soeur (I Accompanied My Sister). "Very ugly. Very, very ugly," Gall tells me over the phone. "It was the most horrible factory, next to the biggest brothel in Zurich. The conditions were monstrous." Minelli shrugs off the complaint lightly, retorting that someone accustomed to staying in five-star hotels would probably have been unimpressed by the earlier flat.

    Finally, this summer, the two-storey house in Pfäffikon was bought for around €1m (£880,000) – much of it raised by donations from members. A newsletter sent out this month to members has pictures of the site, holiday-brochure style, with alluring captions: "Beside lies a tiny lake; a little waterfall dabbles."

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    After the Heidi-esque scenery we have driven through, the location of the modern, blue-metal construction is rather a surprise. The house is in an industrial zone, in the shadows of a vast grey machine-components factory; to the left there are factories, to the right there are factories, in front there is a football pitch. It's not that the place is exactly charmless, it is just a bit peculiar. To enter, guests make their way across wooden decking over a large goldfish pond (which does have a tinkling water feature), and then they arrive in a light, open-plan room, with a hospital bed (which reclines electronically) in one corner, and a large white sofa in another. There is another room with a second bed to die in across the hallway. By the bed there is a CD player and a few CDs – Offenbach's Gaîté Parisienne and Vivaldi's La Stravaganza – left by former clients. There are open boxes of tissues ready on the tables. The former owner had the constellation of Orion picked out in halogen lights in the ceiling. On the shelves there is a kitsch stone statue of a cherub, and a few slightly wilting orchids. There is nothing funereal about the place; instead the space is sunny, clean and neutral, not unlike a holiday rental apartment.

    "We think that if you go to a location for your last moments, it should be adequate. It should be nice and dignified," Minelli says.

    'They can go home any time'

    People who travel to Switzerland to die with Dignitas are encouraged to come with family and friends, who stay with them as they drink the lethal dose; one person brought 12 friends with him. Dignitas staff are happy to give advice on good restaurants for a final meal, nearby cinemas and excursions to the mountains, for the preceding days, but they observe that usually members are keen just to get on with dying.

    Staff suggest that everyone should arrive at the flat at 11am (that way the police formalities which happen after the death can take place during office hours, which keeps the local officials in good humour).

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    Minelli says he is never present at the deaths. Instead, Beatrice Bucher, a paid member of Dignitas staff who now works in the head office but has been a companion at more than 20 deaths, describes the process. She has a quietly compassionate tone, soothing and sympathetic, and believes strongly that she is performing an important role in society. "They need to know that they can go home at any time. I'm constantly asking if this is what they want. I have to be clear that this is the really the moment," she says. On more than one occasion she has helped people return home who have changed their mind. "One woman still calls me to say thank you," she says.

    The first stage happens at a round table, covered with a yellow tablecloth, where the two Dignitas companions sit with family members and the individual who is about to die to discuss the procedure. At this stage, a lot of documents must be signed setting out the desire to die. It is up to the members to decide when they are ready to take an anti-vomiting drug to prepare the stomach, and half an hour later, the lethal drug. "I tell them, 'You are the boss. You must tell me when it is time for me to prepare the drugs,'" Bucher says.

    "If someone wants to talk about their life for six hours, we will never hurry them," Minelli says. "The music, all the details, are their choice. We are servants of their desire for self-determination."

    Bucher stays with the family and goes through the documents. "Sometimes they will sit at the table and talk about their family and their life and we have a nice time. Sometimes the person who is going to die will appear to be angry and quite bossy, and tell me to hurry up, but I know it is not how they are feeling inside," she says.

    She has to judge when the time is right for both the person who wants to die, and their relatives. "Once I had a mother – not so old, in her 50s – who was really ill. She came with her daughter who was perhaps 25. The mother was very firm that she would go quickly and that it was not a problem. She told the daughter that she was not to cry and made her go and stand in the kitchen. I had to explain that this is not the way, you should not tell your daughter she cannot cry," she says. Staff also suggest that relatives stay to witness the death, because they believe this helps with the mourning process.

    People are encouraged to lie down, because if they die sitting up at the table, their mouth drops open and their body slumps, and it is harder for the family to watch the process. "Then we install the film in the video camera, but I am always asking 'Do you need more time?' Usually they are calm. Most of them are in a lot of pain and they know that this drink will end it forever."

    The 15g of white powder is mixed with water and drunk from a small glass. Bucher advises people to say anything they need to say, their final words, before they drink, because after there is not much time – usually just between one to three minutes before they sleep, fall into a coma and then die. "Some people say thank you and tell their family they love them, that they have had a really good life and that they are grateful that they can die," she says.

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    She warns them that the drink will be bitter, and some people choose to neutralise the taste with a chocolate. "They feel good. There is no pain. It's like before an operation – they feel woozy," she says.

    "Another time, there was a mother who clearly did not have a good relationship with her two daughters who were with her. It was very strained. But after she drank, she took them in her arms and said 'I love you, you are my best ones,'" Bucher says, still moved by the memory. "Then she died. They said it was the first time she had hugged them like that. That was a good moment for me – it was not too late for her to show how she felt."

    As soon as the person dies, the undertakers and police are called. In a side room, there is a television for the police to watch the video, so they can file a report. Upstairs, there is a washing machine, and a box with some folded clothes and shoes belonging to recently dead people, ready to be dispatched to the Red Cross.

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    Minelli has delegated much of the organisation of Dignitas to his staff of 10 part-time workers. The Dignitas office, in a street near his home, 20 minutes drive from the Pfäffikon apartment, is very office-like – no sofas or handkerchiefs. He checks the files, and notes that one English person is booked in to die this week, but otherwise there is an unexpected lull in appointments. Bucher puts it down to the Indian summer most of Europe has experienced, and predicts that things will get a bit busier in the run up to Christmas.

    "We have had good weather for the last few weeks, so people don't call us so much," she says.

    Minelli meets people here occasionally to discuss their desire to die, but mostly his work is concentrated on the court cases and campaigning. Back at his house, where he lives alone, he describes with enthusiasm a new technique for painless death he is experimenting with; one which uses a chemical that is easily available without the need for a doctor's prescription. He requests that we do not publish details of the chemical or the technique, to prevent it becoming more widely used. The method can be administered easily by staff, and using this he could circumvent using doctors altogether. He struggles with hanging on to doctors, just as he struggles with keeping apartments; most are nervous about co-operating with Dignitas for fear of losing their licence.

    Costs from the various legal battles cost around £100,000 every year, money which is raised through the annual membership fee and periodic appeals to supporters for funds. Minelli says he does not pay himself a salary, and remarks, "I have made a lot of debt in order to maintain Dignitas."

    An estranged colleague, Soraya Wernli, who worked for several years helping with the suicides, lost faith in the organisation and told the police around five years ago that Minelli was making money from death and the fear of it, and criticised him for running "a production line concerned only with profits". Police investigations found nothing suspicious.

    Minelli's novelist daughter Michele, who has arrived to visit her father, remarks that she and her sister will have no inheritance when her father dies because everything has been spent on his campaigning work. She was wounded by Wernli's allegations, more sensitive to criticism of her father than he is on his own behalf. ("He doesn't mind people throwing tomatoes at him," she says.) Disturbed by the claims, she offered to help him gather feedback from the relatives of people who have died, and now she is responsible for sending out forms and compiling responses. The overwhelmingly positive replies have reassured her, and she collects a few from the pile of new post and spreads them out over the worn red-checked tablecloth.

    Attempts to dissuade applicants

    One person, from Britain who recently came to witness a relative's death, describes the process as a "calm day filled with the deepest sorrow I have ever felt", before thanking Dignitas for its assistance. Another person who also travelled earlier in the autumn from Britain says the experience was "a time of sadness, naturally, but also of peace, calmness, spiritual comfort in a relaxed, compassionate, unhurried atmosphere". "Long may you continue your good work," another writes.

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    The doorbell rings again and it is the Greek woman back again with her uncle and a translator who she has managed to find somewhere in the city. This time, Minelli invites her in; they sit in the main room out of sight but her anguished voice can be heard clearly. "Mr Minelli! Mr Minelli! Mr Minelli!" she keeps interrupting him, angry, as he tries to explain that she needs to bring him a complete medical history before her case can be considered.

    As it becomes clear that he will not help her to die, she begins shouting: "Ach, Mr Minelli! Ach, Mr Minelli!" He remains calm, explaining once again that she must come fully equipped with her medical records so that a doctor can consider whether to prescribe a drug. After almost an hour or so they leave, promising to return from Greece with more documents in the spring. Minelli explains that she suffers from paranoid schizophrenia and is determined to die. Whether he will be able to help depends on whether a Greek psychiatrist can write a letter that says she is capable of rational thought. He is despondent at the desperate steps that people are forced to take in their search for a painless death, steps which he compares with the measures women once had to take if they wanted an abortion.

    He hopes that she will reconsider, and happily recounts stories of other applicants who have been persuaded to change their minds. When the depressed young German man arrived on his doorstep some years ago, demanding to die immediately, Minelli felt sorry for him, took him in, and spent a day or so explaining why suicide was not the answer. On the third morning, when the young man said once again that he wanted to die, Minelli took a new approach, telling him: "If you really want to die, there are three options. There is hanging, but it is very risky: if you are found too early you will live on, but as an idiot because the blood will have stopped flowing to your brain. You can go to the Swiss glacier, wearing light clothes, and you will die of cold, but if you are found too early you will lose your legs. Or you can stop eating and just drink tea and water."

    "He said 'Yahoo! I will die by starvation.' He was completely happy. It was a 180-degree change," Minelli says. They drove together to a bathing resort 30km away, and they spent the afternoon swimming together.

    "We came back here at midnight and looked through my telescope up at Jupiter with its four Gallilean moons and Saturn. He was delighted. We discussed cosmology and astronomy and I sent him to bed." The man went home to Germany, where Minelli put him in touch with a psychiatrist. His crisis passed and the two remain in occasional contact.

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    "As an amateur of astronomy, I know life is a speciality that is known only on earth and is something that is very rare and so we have to care as much as we can for life," Minelli says. "But we must also accept that a feeling human being must have the opportunity to say: This has been it. I have had now enough and I will now stop."

    (From the Guardian, http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2009/nov/18/assisted-suicide-dignitas-house)

Monday, 30 November 2009

  • 不擔心的三段式

    untitled

    命題:一切不必擔心


    前提:

    1.不擔心不代表不在意。

    2.擔心原因在於思路不清晰以及過份執著。

     

    證明:

    1.知道的就不必擔心。

    2.不知道的擔心不來。

    3.或者知道,或者不知道

    4.所以不需要擔心

     

    (論畢)

Sunday, 29 November 2009

  • 說「歸屬感」(陶傑)

    dmapletree2
     
    樓市之爭,意氣虛浮,愈來愈荒誕。最近有人大呼:大學畢業生如果買不起樓,就對香港缺乏了歸屬感。

    七十年代,由於前港督麥理浩的政策,香港人對香港的歸屬感,為開埠以來之空前。那時麥理浩才開始建居屋,香港大部分人不是住唐樓就是住木屋。麥理浩推行「香港節」,鼓吹「香港人用香港貨」,還加上廉政公署反貪污,香港人看見,連洋警司葛柏也可以手扣銬鐐,成為階下囚。

    香港人的歸屬感,那時就有了,請問一九七五年左右,有幾多個大學畢業生擁有自己的物業,還要住中環和半山?買不起就缺乏歸屬感?這是把香港七百萬人都當做白痴的廢話。

    自從一九八五年簽署中英聯合聲明以來,聰明的香港人,從那時就「微調」自己的歸屬感,因為一個大時代的變遷,不重新定義何謂歸屬感,下半生注定鬱鬱寡歡,買樓不買樓沒有關係。

    身為香港人,我是在「歸屬感」出大問題時的一個幸運兒。八十年代我不在香港,在英國住了十六年。歸屬感如何調整?源自少小離家,回到香港時,香港的市容面貌早已全非。

    首先是兒時住過的舊房子通通拆掉。小時候,我住在天樂里,斜對面有一家導敦幼稚園。校長錢展沖是一名畫家,他把幼稚園週末經營為畫室,平時僱用幾個女教師上課。導敦幼稚園早已拆卸,今天變成一家專營燈飾的店鋪。錢展沖移民紐西蘭多年,杳無音訊,想已不在人世。

    天樂里上有一家北極餐廳,營業到凌晨兩三點,有深藍色的窗簾,冷氣開放。對面的灣仔道,六十年代是香港殯儀館的舊址,林黛出殯,一列儀仗隊,鼓樂喧天,從灣仔道上走下來,我站在騎樓觀看,覺得好像是英女皇登基。

    天樂里一帶,有一家人人百貨公司、紅棉麵包店,還有一家酒莊,名叫人和悅。酒莊木門的木招牌,大字直書,我記得每次經過,那個用木頭白漆寫成的「酒」字,最下面的一點螺絲鬆脫,可以用手扭轉。

    再走過去就是利記餅店,每天有新鮮的合桃酥和豬仔包出爐。斜對面的大三元酒家,是當年嶺南文人詩畫雅集之地。寶靈頓道的街口,有一個瘸腿老小販,一定是戰時遇到轟炸,一條腿炸掉了,裝成一根粗黃的木頭。有一次,我跟女傭走過,叫了他一聲「跛腳佬」,他厲眼看着我,眼睛燃燒着火焰。那是我童年時遇到的最惡意的成人表情,是自己「衰多口」,從此走過街口,我視之為畏途,再也不敢正眼看他。

    這一切,本來就是歸屬感了。我結束英國時期之後,回來通通沒有了。我住在英國十六年,其間回家度假幾次,每次都獨自乘一回電車,巡觀小時一度熟悉的街景。每乘一回電車,舊建築就少了幾幢,每一次電車之旅,像在心田中鋪上一層落葉。今天,我沒有興趣再乘電車了,因為心中遮蓋了的落葉太厚,我再也找不到童年的香港。

    莊士敦道的夏巴車行、華風書局、中天國貨公司,一一淪陷,最後消失的是灣仔道口的國泰戲院和帝寶餐廳。然後是雙喜樓,最近,連龍門茶樓也向地產商出讓改建。今日的香港,我全無歸屬感,只把這個地方當做過客,與遠居南丫島和西貢的外國僑民一樣。

    反而,每次回英國——不錯,是「回」——少年時剛抵壘的那個小鎮,建築風貌依然。暑假時,我半工讀的那家小酒店,換了物業權,老闆夫婦都不在了。有一次我走進去,探進廚房,格局依舊,裝修有點不同,廚房裡的英國工人笑嘻嘻地向我打招呼。我立時想到「少小離家老大回,鄉音未改鬢毛摧」的唐詩,處境卻在異國,那時候我豁然開朗,知道我的歸屬感歸何處了。

    英國的城鎮,舊房子通通不拆,新添了新建築物,也很小心與城市的風格配合。英國小說家羅倫斯,是對英國鄉間歸屬感描繪最精細的作家之一,有一卷短篇小說集,叫做「England, My England」,講述他的兒時往事,令人潸然淚下。

    今日的世界,是地球村,所謂「尋根」,沒有必要。中國人為什麼強要在出生地培養什麼「歸屬感」?中國人講究「落葉歸根」,是很老土的觀念。香港也有幾個以此地為家的外籍人士,像傳教士葉錫恩、前布政司鍾逸傑,他們以香港為終老之地,何曾想到會回英國「尋根」?有一次我問鍾某,他淡淡一笑:自一九八四年開始,他已經離開祖家,「回去我也認不得了。」這種胸襟,瀟灑磊落,我告訴這位老人家:「回來香港,這裡的人事我也認不得了,我的心境,與你相同。」

    十九世紀,有許多歐洲傳教士來遠東報到,他們落籍在偏遠的小漁村,有的遠至台灣,像台北淡水的麥佳神父。傳教士少小離家到了遠東蠻荒,與原居民一起耕墾生活,說教論道,懷着一顆慈悲大愛之心,麥佳的銅像今日還在淡水,有幾位意大利神父,骨灰也撒在港澳之間。他們是最早的國際人。

    對香港沒有歸屬感,評論港事,能佔領理性的高地,至少不會情感用事。也不一定以英國的家鄉——所謂家鄉,真的那麼重要嗎?我的祖父和曾祖母在大陸逝世,墳墓在杭州,一九六七年遭紅衞兵破壞,今日屍骨無存。

    中國人的歸屬感,慎終追遠,每年清明重陽要登高掃墓,紅衞兵把我的祖墳挖掉了,反而令我一無牽掛。中國人的下一代,對中國歷史全無記憶,我早與他們話不投機,覺得他們是外國人。我從此四海為家,胸襟裝下的是五洲四洋,紅衞兵的中國,特區政府的香港,幫助我剷墳斷根,令我下半生活得灑脫而快樂,感謝他們。

    請香港的下一代不要自欺欺人,調景嶺的家園早已拆平了,九龍城寨也曾經是許多人的集體回憶,今日成為公園。新界的菜園村行將消失,香港人從來沒有過真正的歸屬感。有能力的都往溫哥華和多倫多移了民。住在溫哥華超過十年,真正的歸屬感之處,應該是加拿大,否則拿一本加拿大護照做什麼?移民的好處,是在我們心中,新鋪一層落葉,如果是美麗的楓葉,還會更好。

    我每次回倫敦,就像閣下每次回溫哥華,走出機場就有歸屬感。大笨鐘、泰吾士河、還有大英博物館,還有我第一份工作找到後,在東南郊區買的第一座公寓,每次回英國,我開始撥一點時間,悄悄地尋根。樓影依舊,人事全非,在英國曾經關懷照顧我的許多人,不是音踪杳然,就是塵歸故土,昔日歡笑和孤寂皆成往事,卻又恍如昨日。

    我相信移民加拿大亦必有同感。史丹利公園的老橡樹,維多利亞小島的渡輪,溫哥華海港的彩霞暮色,這一切不令你思念嗎?蔣宋美齡和張學良,是上一代的才人,離開大陸之後,終老美國,至死也沒有回去尋過什麼根。這是何等大智慧的境界?每想及此,我就感謝上蒼,命運對我不薄,地球村中,當一個國際人,在一個亂世,上天早已賜給我另一個溫馨、自由而永久的家鄉。
     
     
     
     
     
     
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Saturday, 28 November 2009

  • 舊東西

    2eb3b08d

    因為在JUPAS要呈上代表香港的紀錄,所以把所有舊獎狀參賽證明都一腦兒翻出來。

    而當然,翻出來的不只是物品,還有記憶。

    有人無聊得要寫一篇「應該要怎樣處理前度的物品」。我看是多餘,要是忘得了就會忘記,忘不了的話怎樣想忘記也沒有用。就是丟了她送給你要你每天做雪糕給她吃的冰淇淋機,你去買雪糕吃時看見了草莓的口味也自然會想起她。

    張小嫻也有翻過自己的舊東西,並親手將舊日的情信和一切照片都碎掉。她這樣說:要是有一天我會離去,然後我的後人也定要替我收拾一切,然後棄掉只保留兩三件我的東西。帶不走的一在永在,我過往快樂的日子常在心中,物件對我來說又有什麼意義?要是讓別人毀掉,不如我自己親手毀掉。

    倒是瀟灑。

    我看往事,是這樣的。從過去之中我們看見過去是輕狂和愚昧,做盡一切現在世故和成熟起來時,看回去會覺得離以置信的東西。我試過刻意帶一個足球在女校門前踢,也試過不知所謂的誇大我鼻腔內的水瘤說它是惡性我可能會死掉要別人注意,把一整箱零食從太古寄去沙田希望以物質留住對方的心,加上一張我滿分的測驗卷。

    只穿上T Shirt 長褲和破白布鞋和女朋友上街,給聖經班的女同學寫情信還作弄常常和她好的情敵。因為只是想試試什麼是戀愛就邀約合唱團的女同學上街,還從荃灣一直故作君子送她回香港仔害苦自己。公然上課挑戰老師要她背書,和班主任賭成績輸了被人塗大堆髮泥造些奇怪造型拍照留念。在渡假營和同學因為他故意把單車放在路上攔我而打架。

    一起和球友追打球場所謂自稱的黑社會結果被抓去談話,疑似向警衛說粗口結果冬天被迫脫了上身衣服在海邊跑回家中,下雨我不想弄濕鞋索性就脫了光著腳走路回家。在家中想滾乒乓球使它脹回來結果卻燒乾水差點大火,將墨水瓶打翻弄得自己一星期手也是深藍被人訕笑。

    好無聊卻又很有趣。

    情事也是一樣,有些東西,就算你以為千帆過盡,但心中的那一艘小舟卻依然在心中。我看往事,看見她對愛情過份天真太過理想化,也看見自己自私自利不體諒別人。但我比她遲,她一年前就已經想出我現在寫的這些。

    只是我和她的想法不同,我依然希望有天當我們兩個人都成熟了時,我們可以再在一起。就像愛一個人,不是盲目地愛製造幻想對方一切好處,是看見了她的缺點,也清楚自己的缺點,依然會願意包容接納對方。彼此包容互相成長。

    當然,我已經有一年沒找過她了,所以她是不是獨身我不知道。也不希望知道她不是獨身就刪去我以上寫的一切。人總是要有點自我欺騙才能活下去,所以我寧願她看不見這一篇。

     

What_Life_Is_Meant

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    • Name: Andrew
    • Birthday: 5/14/1991
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 12/22/2008

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About Me

  • 想要擁抱豪豬,只有一個方法:就是一定要擁抱最不豪豬的地方。

Pulse

  • 「人的慾望是洞,世間物質為填料。不在於深,在於滿。一個不知足的人多少填料也填不盡。不在量,在質。用堆填的廢物也叫填,但不叫心靈的滿足。 所以控制著自己的慾念非常重要,往往心靈的平衡取決於自己能控制的慾望而非於外在的物質的索求。」
  • "How vain it is to sit down and write [xanga] when you've not stood up to live." -Henry DavidThoreau
  • "Watching the world from the corner of her eye and her father watching her watch the world." - Orhan Pamuk ( On his daughter)

Chatboard (14)

  • karen_ji22jo
    生育的國策和其亡魂 不錯 , 現在很多男孩子的確少了一份男子氣慨~~
  • karen_ji22jo
    很喜歡看你的文章~~ add oil~~
  • eunychummy
    我不是Eng. expert, 我想說的是, 你那篇裸體的男人提到的句子並沒有錯誤 作者想說的是penis充血擴大而stretches and fills the vagina, 句子中並沒有提到任何射精等等的字眼或含意 那個fills the vagina的意思是occupy陰道的空間而已.....不是精液fills up the vagina
  • vicki1019
    haha~~~做緊野既我岩岩諗起你係BLOG話XG拎你野唔會話你知, 係係佢DEL你D文SIN話你知....<Tuesday, 07 July 2009 過自己的生活> 我突然間諗起...愛情都係GAM.... 黎果時唔聲唔聲嚇你一驚......但又有很爽既感覺... 走果時SIN通知聲你...等你LO LO LUN 似條虫.... 有意思.... BTW, 你D文章好到肉...加油....我自己既野...好多時一諗就唔見哂,都黎唔切轉佢地做文字....你好勁~
  • TheHopeofLife
    Actually, I really love watching your acticle.You should know that your writing technique is really excellent.I would like to know how old are you because I don't believe that you are only a 18 years boy.Thanks
  • ca12345
    以前既幾米好睇d...可惜宜家既幾米...好似大不如前...以往的風格亦都漸漸失去... 如果你真係想睇既話...不防睇下以前的作品...
    • Posted 6/29/2009 4:56 PM
    • by ca12345
  • meltykisskinb
    born in 1991, are you sure? i would love to meet a guy like you. your words made me wonder what kind of a person you are.
  • aromamusic
    Happy Dragon Boat Festival ^^
  • BAKAEIBI
    其實我知道我沒有任何立場要你寫;也知道即便有N個像我這樣的「路人」對你作出「寫」的要求都無法左右你改變你的決定。 只單純在「我真的好喜歡好想再看到你的文字=______=」和「你的文字是我現在一個很重要的精神食糧!!」的大前題下,我還是貿然來打擾你了。 真是抱歉呢~ 我說,你是第一個,亦是暫時的唯一一個,讓我因著「我喜歡這個人寫的東西(指)」而Subscribe的Xanga Blogger, 我知道我對你而言是毫不重要的一隻,但請別看輕你自己在別人心目中的位置。 我相信還是有不少人因著你的文字而得到啟發的;你的信念「用文字感動別人的生命」某程度上還是成功的。 又所以,看著你好像 / 大概重新寫
  • BAKAEIBI
    愛著文字的人,何必呢?