下棋和別的不同，跑步射擊跳高都是體能的事，總有衰退的一天，但是下棋講的是智力，輪了棋就像被對手嘲笑弱智。人類最驕傲的就是智力，被人嘲笑愚蠢其實比任何東西都難受。雖然比其他東西都要更意氣之爭，但是又要腦冷心冷。

好多時候下多了就會發現，某些走法是對白有利的，有些對黑有利的。棋不像牌，所有東西都看得清清楚楚，所以只要准備得夠深入，基本上都能將開頭十五二十步。話雖如此，下棋的人有增無減，EU最近都立了法例資助學校進行教學。

棋的勝負不是取決於電腦怎樣想的，取決的是棋手。尤其關鍵是那個人比較堅持，每種競爭當到最高的水平，已經不是技巧的問題，意志和體能才是一切。只要是人下的，就有機會能贏，人總會犯錯。我們只能透過電腦減少犯錯，但是總不能避免犯錯，還不論寫電腦程式的也是人。

所以很多時候結果是怎樣，你是控制不了的，但是這不代表你就不會成功。

泡妞也是同樣的事，好多人問應該要怎樣怎樣才能泡到。其實一如以往所說，是有些技巧，但是最終對方怎樣反應是控制不。當時以你所知能做的都做了能說的都說了，還能怎樣。最好是自己泡她不到而不是你沒有試過就被人泡走了。

有時泡妞不是重點，重點在於增加自信。這天到了港大POP面試，有個長得很漂亮的女生遲來而近桌的位子都坐滿，我把位子讓出來。然後閒聊起來知道她住耀東邨，之前讀聖馬可，還會帶小提琴有八級。不過她看來很怕生，車上閒聊都說你是不是在Interview我。臨上地鐵想跟她要電話，她說自己不常用電話。那當然是借口了。

我說那麼還能二月再見吧，她說嗯看看我們有沒有緣份吧。我說，操，我不相信這回事的。一路以來所謂緣份都是男人在女廁門口等上三四個小時，然後當她出來就說：「那麼巧的。」

給她寫了張紙，然後說：「你想想吧，如果覺得可以，就給我發個段子send個email什麼的。」她給了我一點勇氣去填好報Masters的表格。拖了甩了很多，是時候了。

我覺得終需一死，到底要等別人殺你，還是你要死在自己手上，這就是問題。其實說到底人生的唯一問題就是你到底要怎樣的死。

善懷疑者的說法並不是沒有道理，很多時候人之所以改變看法全因自身的處境有所不同。例如年老者對於幼兒有照顧關愛的心，但在青年間他們能力既不能引起他們尊敬，體弱也不能引起他們的憐憫。初時看來這樣的說法似是而非，後來才人世間閱歷才覺得錢鍾書對。

男人在過了二十歲之後開始會覺得什麼節日都沒有意思，除非泡女。這四年沒有伴的日子越來越有這樣的感覺，什麼日子都一樣，沒有什麼大的分別。聖誕節不過是消費、約會、破處的借口，其實不過是一天。對的，又窮又毒（獨），其實還可以怎樣。於是，為了將自己的慘況合理化，就有了宗教和哲學。

一個思想覺悟透的人看一天很短，看一年很短，看一生也很短。最少我自己這樣麼認為的。在這樣風吹草搖的日子，世界跑得越來越快，東西老得也越來越快，我開始對於身邊的人和事追不上感到很累很累。每次看見都不由自主要跟著跑，後來每次停下看見了又要跑上，後來發覺其實都是砍掉吧我真的不行了。

天才者不守規則是因為他們對於自己的分寸掌握得好，沒有判斷力的人才要靠死硬的規則幫自己做判斷。同樣道理，由於過份相信自己的判斷，所以有不少的天才還沒有掌握好紀律，就已經因為沒有紀律而完全毀掉了自己。我自問掌握不好，所以也不怎後悔。要是這樣跑跑停停，不如一砍四年搞好條理，然後之後都沒有問題了。

從前很怕死亡，覺得那種什麼都消失的感覺很恐怖。一個人以後越能和寂寞為悟，於是所有的季節看來都不再重要，沒有執著於自我也就再也沒有問題，其實永恆的靜止可以很好，何況宇宙的時間和空間是無限的，我們再被宇宙做出來的機會也是Finite but Boundless。

這幾天我不斷翻看潛行空間，看到了結局的那段，想自己從前看時不斷反問到底是不是還在夢境。但是如今看來已經完全不覺得重要，無論那是不是現實都是一種解脫。分手之後都有不時到那座會考前相約的教堂，好多個黃昏都呆呆坐著看著遠處聖母像前的燈火，看著它一盞盞熄滅，但是我看著燈火滅，其實也不知道自己想怎樣。

跟同學說起自己要到立法會採訪議員做好論文，同學聽了覺得好厲害。當時暗忖同學的懦，後來想起其實當初也有這樣的感覺。

那是九月的事，當初就打算用選舉做論文的題目，但是這在同學間並不常見。關於香港的選擇研究本來就是少，中國的題目才更掙錢能發表呢，還不論港人的政治冷漠也有名。他們只會談社會運動，但一切運動都需要形成一股持續的力量，就是所謂的Consolidation。他們不關心政治，不希望在建制以政黨來爭取，對於選舉不信任也沒有興趣。好像任何社會運動一碰到政治就黑起來。

所有東西都看得很吃力，要自己出力去跑不同的辦事處拿資料。順道申請了一個記者證，有時候和其他的記者聊天，裝作是報館的人去政黨和記者的茶會，有時沒事在會議廳外走來走去。走多了就會覺得和電視看的差不多，所有人都是人，慢慢內心那種因為不認識而生的畏和澀都沒有，跟議員和記者都能恰如其份的交談。其實要意淫著能出入立法會的光榮沒意思，立法會本來就是人民的，哪用你去意淫。

也是在選舉以後才開始找到要讀下去的理由，不想為讀而讀，但是之前兩年放縱了自己，GPA現在也只有2.5，只能希望Personal Statement寫好一點補回來。不過內心忐忑還想蹭磨多一點，怕要面對自己成績不好別人不接受的事實，有點像表白的感覺，話說回來只求死得痛快。覺得自己現在在做一些很有意義的事，哪怕影響很小。

要知道一個男人反覆來去為了感情問題煩惱多沒出色，都四年了，其實還能怎樣。這些年來我自己一個反省過錯，有時有點機會都推卻了，四年的眼淚早夠把一切都償清。不如用多餘出來的時間收拾一下碎掉的身心，重新砌來倒是還能成個人。一口氣關掉了Facebook，9gag和高登留來偶而看看了解人性，blog有在別的地方繼續寫，只是不想再像Facebook一樣一兩日就寫一次，不如就放著而想寫就寫不寫就不寫。

一個人走到了二十歲，彷彿一滴雨歸大海，褪下了七彩的光環，走進平凡的人間。當中有點落差其實不能接受也只能接受，想是不成熟的尾巴。網上看到人問汽車上的總計程器記不記倒車的路，答案是記的，無論你是前走或後退，時光也總在飛逝。

In the past few years it is fun and absurd here, trying to write several letters, leaving this place for good. Back and forth I have gone and come back again. After a few times I couldn’t help thinking, maybe this signifies something. It’s only after I am drunk, was I able to tell myself the truth.

I am pathetic, not that I am not worthy of love, but just that I have too much in myself. Buried in the bullies in the past, unable to trust the others, always have to prove myself’s worth to others. That gave all the anxiety. Even now when I am awaken finally to my circumstances, there’s one persistent idea in my head that reminds me of the truth.

The guilt. I cannot forgive myself.

Yes, even now writing here means I want her attention, to read all of these. But then it’s unlikely she would like to see me anymore, she wants me to leave her alone, that’s a closer truth.

All those lousy emotions, fear and despair, desperation, they are all constantly charged up to let me forget the pain, not facing the truth. In order to get the we don’t need to seek anymore, rather, we have to get rid of all those distractions to see what’s long here but forgotten and distracted away.

I won’t say I am leaving here forever, that’s seem too childish, but the fact is I shall give myself some time.

They say when a reader no longer likes a writer, it’s a liberation for the reader, means that she evolves, she is growing, starting to construct herself that she no longer needs an idol. The same can be said for a writer.

Cease writing does no good for me, and for the time being I shall take a leave from here, writing in some places nobody would be able to identify me. Some days perhaps I will come back.

By the blood of that Christ you believe in, may you read the letter below some day.

Rose,

By the time I am writing this letter, I hope you will be able to read these words, because most probably these are the words I am writing to you for the last time. Still by any chance I do not wish so.

After that summer I had spent most of the time thinking about the things happened, firstly about the incidents, then about us, and finally about myself. Through that process, I had to face what I was, and to confront some fear and ghosts in my childhood, mostly bullying which distorted me into something I wasn’t aware of.

Yet that is no reason for pleading innocence, we all take responsibility for what has formed and shaped us, and the more I am aware of it, the more I feel guilty towards the others, especially you. Although we chose to be together out of our own choice, which no remorse may be mourned, I still feel guilt towards you, my negligence. (Consider this more like Common Law – Equity)

It is most normal to avoid persons whom have hurt us in the past, I trust that shall be the reason you have been avoiding me. For me, out of the guilt I felt I dared not finding you, even is a photo of yours on facebook from my friend’s feeds unbearable. The call made last year was after months of contemplating, and after you chose to ignore it, I did not attempt finding you anymore.

I wish I am saying this in an agreeable manner, for finally knowing what I have done to you, the only thing I beg from you is forgiveness, nothing more. I miss you dearly, and have always hoped for your wellbeing even up till this very moment. If I could adequately express my sentiments towards you, but I may not. Presume this shall be most natural as well.

I have been thinking of writing this letter, but waited until the moments, calm recollection of the past, may finally come to me as they were, as they are, as they will forever be. I owe you this apology, and by writing them out, I feel relieved and ready on to gain back what I have lost with my years of mischief my emotions have on me.

Forgive me for typing this letter instead of handwriting, as you might recall I have some not quite agreeable handwriting, and the last impression deserves a better treat.

Be Well, for we are in such turbulent days.

Yours,
Andrew

I am now quite drunk, and this makes me see the truth. I have been pitying for recognition for too long, awaiting the person I love on xanga to read my entries, on facebook to talk to me after a few messages sent, randomly surfing on 9gag and hkgolden to read meangingless posts that wouldn’t change my life. I am practically wasting my life, and if I don’t change this, it probably would last of the rest of my life, if not just parts of it. It’s time to take a look at the shit hole we are now it, how hopelessly we are begging for attention, and in turn we don’t get it and stuck forever as lonesome, which seems to me the detestation of life, the things around our lives we own ending owning us. Fuck all the post-modern shits, what the fuck are we now.

前人對於人性的論述多片面和個人的幻想，他們在考慮問題時或許否定了其中一個可能性：人性如水。人既非善亦非惡，也看不透的原因是因為人性本來如水，看得透徹而固執地說錯了是因為你以為能看見一些色彩，卻沒發覺虛空才是其本質。所以人非善非惡，一切則大部份取決於其處身的環境和條件。

於此史觀下，法律可看在一種外在的誘因透過規範行為和責任去隱惡，而政治的制度則為內在的誘因去吸引人行善，舊人的討論傾向前者而忽略後者。政治和法治實為理性和熱情的不斷相互侵蝕和洗練，一方面人透過制度去確立群己，一方面制度也需要人治去加入情義的概念靈活判斷。人治為熱情，法治為理性，整個政治制度為兩者的互相作用，一於造物者造懸崖的道理。

如此看來，造學問即整理既有的知識和歷史，也需如韋伯所言，一樣的以熱情鑽木板。要理解制度，人性的了解比制度更為重要。最近翻看文革的舊書看得入神，可是比起來還是民國學者一路走來寫得更好。文學家有種要做史家的衝動，其想不下於資本家富了起來想掌權，可是史觀卻總錯誤，聊起來只有熱情而沒有理性，更沒有輕於鴻毛的氣概。大江大海光榮了國民黨而對於國共內戰理解不足，何況是龍應台西化的文體。

讀來余英時、錢鍾書、楊絳、季羨林都是好文筆而觀察極深，是推翻了不識廬山的說法。牛棚雜憶開首這樣寫：

「現在的人有時罵人為『畜生』，我覺得這是對畜生的污衊。畜生吃人，因為牠餓。牠不會說謊，不會耍刁，決不會先講上一大篇必須吃人的道理，旁徵博引，洋洋灑灑，然後才張嘴吃人。」

這裡很有錢鍾書的風格，料好文采也是共有的。

對於人性的問題再舉一例，近日埋首讀立法會的分板，零四年時泛民曾有過相當程度的協商，最後雖然大勝卻和協調沒有多少關係。鄭宇碩教授當時出面當調解也不成功，其中兩個組合也無法成事，一是湯家驊配蔡耀昌，二是梁家傑配陶君行。滿以為這樣的組合可以有效收納不同選票，卻反而是因為湯和梁認為自己政治光譜和對方差異太大拒絕合作。看來似乎政黨也未必代表選民的利益，尤於奪取選席需和別人配合妥協。

這樣的哲學也和歷史中種種誤會有關係，政黨政治於多大程度上體現人民的利益和意志，說來可簡可繁。

Sometime you just can’t help remembering all the anger you have because you are fustrated with yourself, and because you can’t help but must love yourself you transfer that anger to others

And you feel like you own a lot of people previously and that you feel regretful

The consensus of philosophers, seem to lie in the point where they’d agree the only way to live is to live with rationality. No fear, no distraction, no self-pitying which breeds lazyness for its justification. They also emphases the importance of self-constraints, individual merely observing the laws of physics does not count, but to obey the clarity of mind and dispel anything that comes instinctively from the lust and desire of being.

Sounds Fight Club to me.