有時望著一個日子，你會發覺你原來曾經也有那段時候。我有時望著分手之前的一些日期例如功課本收據日曆，原來曾經也在那日子之前活過。

總是有些事你經歷過然後睜大眼睛，抓喘一口氣，你發覺自己終於開始真的活過來。弟說他的是那因為肺炎而住進醫院的一天，他以為自己會死。

人是會變的，不過有幾個條件：能覺醒、體驗夠深、時間夠長。不過人總有第一印象，尤其曾經交深的朋友女朋友親戚兄弟，因為交深所以更難改變，其實則乾脆不給一口釘。

生命太短，活著就好。

And I was on Sofa debating heatedly with my brother about his own education choice, to some extent for a liberalist like myself should have taken no interest in interfering with others’ choices, however very seldom can a choice be non-intervening others’ lives, the matter is on its degree.

He said he thought HKU Engine wasn’t the one he wanted, so he applied for Southampton for Law. And then he said he wanted to try for a better University.

“So Southamption accepted your application?”

“Rightly so.”

“And you still want to apply for another school.”

“Southamption is not the best.”

“What’s the best? Southamption is already top 20 amongst all Universities in UK.”

“Top 5.”

“Hmm, why don’t you ask the others for opinions?…”

“I don’t care what others say, I have already got an opinion. Why you guys are aiming so low? It’s an investment afterall.”

“Sure, investment, how sure are you you are gonna get a handsome pay for your degree.”

“Just risking, but why not?”

“Risking dad’s money, you know we aren’t that good financially speaking.”

“I think it’s worth it.”

“And you are not the one paying for it.”

“Why money over matter?”

“In some time we all need to succumb to what our parents want us to do, maybe for you just a few more years, you wanna do music, why not waiting for two more years? Why spend the money chasing another degree before you finish one.?

“Because that degree is better.”

“And you are saying you still have to pay about HKD 100,000 school fee for the first year in Southampton, then you switch school and pay another HKD100,000 for another year one course.”

“Not same courses.”

“I don’t see how the degree is differing that much in terms of quality. Just like HKU CUHK does not teach that much different things comparing to BU, PolyU, CityU in similar subjects.”

“If you are able to fight for more, why not?”

“It’s because you aren’t paying the fee. Dad said already he considers it’s unworthy.”

“You know how it’s better to be in a good school, like WYK, you know, quality education.”

“Primary School, Secondary School, maybe. But that doesn’t make much difference in University. Standards are more equal and higher after all. It’s just about money.”

“It’s not just about money.”

“Then what?”

“Education, quality education”

“If you like quality education, why don’t you use email, library, shits like that? These days I work like hell in books, sometimes randomly sending emails to professor’s in other Universities, asking for their thoughts.”

“It’s different, social interaction.”

“Like study groups and book clubs won’t work. University is not only about money, but the degree, the certificate is about money.”

“No it isn’t.”

“At least, just make do with these three years, fulfill dad’s wish by the blood of that Christ you believe in, and then you are free to do whatever you like.”

Forgive等不等同Forget？這是一個很有趣的問題。

其實並不是每一個人都能寬恕，你總有殘餘的意識潛留在腦海內。就像你哭時別人對你說不要這樣不要哭，你總是哭得更厲害。情緒和健康都反映了情緒和內心渴望和掙扎，並不是說你想停就停。

和媽談過這個問題，她說是我只看父親壞處而不看好處，把好處看成是理所當然。我說例如呢。她說玩女人酗酒賭錢吸毒這些他都沒有。

可能媽要求比較低，我不否認，只是他脾氣暴燥動軏罵人打人也是不爭的事實，還有很強的自尊和控制欲，都是不爭的事實。

所有人都有好心，但是好心做壞事，還不自省不當是回事要別人寬恕，這不算數。我懷疑不少人都有心理問題，只是他們覺得理所當然不去反省。

越是反抗越會成為你不想成為的東西。是不是每個被打的小孩長大後都有打自己小孩的傾向？但是當你成了爺們，又不會想自己兒子打孫。人總是這麼的自私又精神分裂。

如果不想變成你所討厭的，你不能用同樣的方式對待將來。

I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father. I must not be my father.

今天晚飯和教授聊，發覺其實沒有所謂接受現實，現實從來都不用你去接受才算是現實，又何來接受現實，就像從來都沒有試著去配票是不能說配票失敗。你接受不了的其實只是你自己。

是的，我恨自己，恨不了別人所以恨自己的軟弱和無能，內心的成年我因為失敗而恨幼兒我當時未有保護自己。恨當時硬要不斷巴結不斷欺負我的同學，恨當時怨不替我出頭的同學而他們都沒了，恨因我是長子而對我要求特別嚴格及體罰的父母，恨我自己不懂得處理情緒傷害了和兄弟的關係。

於是我不斷的麻醉自己逃避開現實，在毫不重要的一些課外遊戲中忘卻不快，得到了短暫而無意義的光榮，製造學業上的失敗好等自己再去自舔傷口。原來這樣只會更不開心，你總要面對現實。

Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one’s potential. – Bruce Lee

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise. -Alden Nowlan

越是讀書越覺得人所找尋的不過是一種安全感存在感，有時人為了這一種感覺不惜付出愚蠢的代價。以自由來換取安全，最後得不到自由也得不到安全，大到國際關係小至男女關係都是一樣。

所謂理論其實作用不過是被打破，我們有系統的去建立和整理好現實的一切，觀察出一些既有的行為和規律，然而現實比書本總是要跑得更快，如果希望能找出一條通用的定理去獲得安全和滿足，肯定是要落空，真相總是天馬行空，不拘不羈，理論永遠要跑在後面。

人生註定是要不斷的浪蕩，不斷的摧毀所有也摧毀自己，當中其實不是要帶有一種自卑自毀的傾向，是唯有不斷的放下學習的一切，只有不斷的學習、嘗試、忘記才能得到真實的一切。像李小龍所說的如水一樣，狂風中樹會倒，但像竹一樣柔韌則可以依舊不倒而不像小草般忍辱。

“All fixed set patterns are incapable of adaptability or pliability. The truth is outside of all fixed patterns.”

“If you always put limit on everything you do, physical or anything else. It will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.”

“Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind.”

“Showing off is the fool’s idea of glory.”

A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough.

A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at.

當然，恰如其份從來都是問題，而且於我看來是唯一的問題，所有問題都在於什麼才算適宜。又想起些哲學問題，真正的答案是你永遠都得不到答案，這樣的答案才是最真實的問題，更切合真相切合這一個世界。

唯有靈活柔韌、隨遇而安生命才可能得到圓滿的解決，而圓滿的解決不等同安全感。

不覺得意義上真正的壞人有很多，更多是對於自己的情感有所誤解，或者他們自身的經歷造就他們。每個人都有能力當個好人，然而因時際遇成了今天的模樣，值得可惜。

可以原諒別人成人，可以原諒自己成仁。

Happened to have discovered the old photo from my USB.

When I look at the photo, I convince myself that I am not bad at all. I am just misguided. Most people are not evil or bad, mostly just being a fool of their own emotions. At least this is what I believe.

Most of them realise that the adults are not perfect and therefore they are teenagers. Some of them forgive their parents and they become adults. A few of them forgive themselves and become wise.

The other thing is when you read your old writings you must either smile or think oh god why.

Now that I am serious about my own studies, trying to plan ahead, get real about my own work. Year three, no back-up, time to wipe of the bemoaning, try to change the future in order to change the present for time flows in such a way.

It’s fine. Just that sometimes I would get delusions, get distracted by something that is not important, like playing chess should focus on the game rather than attempting to win in all and absolute sense, unnecessary and risky.

Also impatient when I am very certain about a thing, like creative writing. Just for its easy and I need more time to work and rest, also gives good grades in my opinion. It’s also kind of testing myself, because I am always certain about creative writing and therefore would often dismiss it quickly.

True, maybe I know a lot of it, but as in all arts and industries, there are always some minor tricky points that needs the worker to pay attention to.

Always have regretted spending time chasing vain fame after getting in BU, instead of being serious about my studies I indulged myself into meaningless competitions with worthless trophies and titles as my comforters.

Shit yeah I can say again my childhood is bad, my college lived in eager of recognition and gone far worse, University life mostly pitying myself. But why do I have to say that, I keep saying that they are not excuses, but then if not excuses so why fucking bringing up to the table?

Nobody gives you sympathy for that, yeah, so what, move on. Shit. When I close my eyes, think, more feel, perhaps that’s it.

I also remember how I used to treasure some men-use cosmetics and crayons, and then just keeping them at my possession without using them, until one day I know I am too old or the stuffs just expired that we need to trash them.

If you don’t use it, it is never yours. Nobody knows what would happen if you use them, but certainly you know nothing is going to happen if you just keep it. Something are meant to be consumed, something are meant to be destroyed. It just does not have another single option.