I see the books and stuffs we throw away when all my brothers are gone to study overseas. That’s right. We are caged my the classical mess, asked to study shits we hardly use, buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have.

We are consistently distracted by all the things that are not important, going after norms and fames that we are forgetting what’s important, what’s real. There are simply too many distractions, wasting our souls chasing them.

Why don’t we just shut the fuck up, sit and smile and not giving a damn to everything else.

What the fuck has Chinese’s fake nationalism to do with me? Who matters who’d win a war in Iraq? Why is unemployment rate a news? Isn’t the government sucks a public fact that people still keep on taking about it? What’s the good of a brand if it’s not useful? Norms, values, enjoyment, entertainment, all the things we indulge ourselves in that we no longer concern ourselves with reality.

“Poverty, Murder, Crime these shits don’t concern me, what I am concerned about is celebrity magazine, TV with 500 channels, some guy’s name on my underwear.” Fuck the classical mess.

Why don’t we pay more time to change things? Like understanding election systems why pan-democrats faield, encouraging civil acts like doing voluntary work in your district, protesting against national education ,making suggestions instead of rough complainings? If you fucking hate the system, learn its play, get to the top of it, beat the crap out of it.

Everyone has a capacity to become good, but for whatever circumstances they have gone through in their life, they become bad. For that reason you should not be angry with them, pity them, they have no idea what they are doing, their life treated them badly and they ended up with the opposite their capacity could have led them to.

Oh, and perhaps I should add, the old Indian saying goes : “When a leopard eats a prey, its eyes are full of love.” That should be better in presenting my attitude towards them.

People say Chinese are violent, like how they behave in those Anti-Japan protest, fucking up cars, breaking windows, shits like that.

Those people are too simplistic, I think if you stay in China like they do, no money, no marriage, no proper education, no civic rights, no discussion, no house, no protest to their government, you’d be angry too. All they need is a vent to vent their anger, so nationalism comes handy.

Besides, think of the protest in UK some months ago. You’d be amazed how good you think people in UK are, and then how they bandwagoned in the chaos, go rob and randomly hit people, vandalism. Violence is a basic feature of beings, give them a mask, and they will tell you the truth.

http://forum4.hkgolden.com/view.aspx?type=BW&message=3963113#p1

People don’t get that idea.

Well-breed girls are nice, faithful, independent, well-mannered, caring. Personally I think my ex-girlfriend was perfect to me, and I still miss her.

The thing is, it’s also easy to get confused. Somehow they are also living in their own dreams fantasying their white horse prince. It was indeed kind of pressuring when she tried to nest me. I wasn’t as perfect as she imagined me, to some extent all the outgoing appearance of mine was a lack of confidence in myself.

All women just want to rest on the shoulder of a reliable man, not thinking at all, just letting him making all the decisions. Men can also be like that, just that I doubt whether a man can be as relaxed as a woman is when he is with his love. They say all humans are two-sided, sometimes you just get girlish, dependent.

You cannot resist, and you will not resist, but then what about that when they are not reasonable, catering to their need like getting remote or changing the disc, you still cannot do anything about it. Hearts melt when she speaks softly, smiling and putting her head close.

No coke, no coffee, no wine, where the hell is all the fun? I am just not too sure whether she really knows me and she shapes me into something she wanted me to be. I don’t hate her, I love her, and I still miss her.

Sometimes you must choose, and you will break over your comfort zone, that you don’t get obsessed and possessed by things you own, by acts you habit, by status you acquire. You will destroy yourself, you will hate yourself, and then you are free of any norms, free of anybody’s expectation.

For those who look down on themselves, they start to discover and rediscover themselves through Fight Club. Self-destroying was done without the intentionally, by-products of self-hate and self-pitying. But then we have no norms, no beliefs, depression, when we hit the bottom we know we don’t have back up anymore, we will fight like nothing to lose, and yes indeed we don’t.

You can hide, deny the truth, running away, but the point is, it will always come back to you.

Let go of all the normative thinking, things and possession that in turned caged and defined you, let’s think that you are dying. You are from the same compose heap, singing dancing crap of the world.

Does that change you?

Start to think that somehow you must die to live, give up everything so that you might be free. Fight Club is not that purely horrifying and violent, it certainly has some humanitarian perspectives.

I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker. -Helen Adams Keller, lecturer and author (1880-1968)

And suddenly I was struck with the recognition of their similarities.

Monday I was playing Alberto with black. Slightly better for black, leading on time with 48 minutes verses 2.

Because it feels good, you know, feeling like getting a FIDE master on the rope, so instead of using the time and play extra careful to convert, I wanted to exert my absolute dominance in all terms, winning in absolute terms time and position.

Speeded up my play, ended up losing.

This somehow reminds me of the Civic Party.

The point was to win two seats, of course better with high votes but not necessary.

If you’d know you have votes for good through poll, there’s point to carefully organise your play.

But they didn’t, attempted to win in all sense, ended up losing with high votes.

Maybe it’s time to fucking think about what matters after all.

1.Emotional problems can halt your performance, and today I told people I was in Model United Nations for my University, Chinese Debate Team in Secondary School, English and Putonghua in Debate Team.

I was in some Putonghua test underperforming, trying to get an easier class that would suit my time too. One of them discovered me saying that she saw me in MUN.

They say, “So usually your kind of people do really well academically?” They don’t know my GPA is now as low as 2.5.

Anyway, I was caught, couldn’t fake anyway, not that intentionally condescend then feel bad thing, it is just hard to fake. I was overdoing it, and people just fucking noticed.

2.Friends who do the same thing as I do usually are smart and get good grades, good jobs. Debaters all LLB or GLawers, Chess Players MBBS or some fab University doing Econ or Finance.

I am just doing some random politics in Baptist Uni. It doesn’t sound that bad though, but comparatively it is bad.

Yeah, yeah it has indeed something to do with randomly-got-bullied-when-young childhood, cynical+urge-to-prove-worth insecurity, sober+ self-prophet-defeating-then-defeated-self-confirmed-prophecy mechanism.

I derserved all my shitty stuffs since secondary school, but then primary school stuffs changed me a lot that is not so easy to change back. Still I did, now I think, if I don’t stop and change something right now, I will end up with all the shit I am in now all the time.

3.So I got to do something.

That internship made me realise not everybody wants heartless sacrifice, not no-money-learn-a-lot, just doesn’t-learn-much-average-pay. Don’t be so self-righteous, after all you still have to work/live with them. Not everybody can take that magnitude.

Fight Club, no normative stuffs.

Election gave me a clue that perhaps I should work on that, nobody ever studied election seriously. Everybody says “Pan-Dem failed to allocate their votes”, gave a list of bloody reasons why it can’t be done: Insufficient resources, No Coordinations, blah blah blah.

The fucking things are: There have never been serious attempts to allocate votes, how can they fail if they have not actually seriously tried? What is the use of giving a load of reasons why can’t it be done instead of how to do it?

When I study my stream, I notice this weakness, and I want to be an expert associated within this area.

4. Let go of what is not important, focus on what is.

Dear Prof,

Thanks for writing to me. I just feel that, I have to make up for the time I lost.

It’s like, been through some random bullying in my primary school, cynical and always felt urge to prove one’s worth in secondary, denial and punishing myself in University for the two years in University. Just don’t want to go back to the self-prophecy-fulfillment vicious circle.

Things seem to be difficult and especially in lessons planning, I lacked behind because didn’t plan carefully before. Living day to day. I know the more I push away it, the more I am prone to go back because I push myself hard. Just felt like before I hardly pushed myself, or just simply mispushed in some certain ways.

Don’t want to let my emotional problems get ahead in my academic performance, willing to go wasted and then, I have a reason to pity myself, again.

Am keeping up on some sports and body building lately. Any other ways you’d suggest?

Your student.

Just asked mom and brother, they say it’s just me being impetuous and also stupid, vain ego.

I think so, and asked them what do they think. They say, self-control.

I’d also think it’s not anything technical, just psychology, inner game.

Gotta do more push up, stop masturbating by do even more push up to distract. One of the ways is to consistent work out to reduce the whim.

Played a game, winning in both time and actual chess position, got excited, wanted to keep pushing him instead of using the +30 mins gap between me and him to think, was intending to crush him both materially and psychologically. Carried away, losing the game instead.

That somehow reflected some parts of myself – Industrious, Not Distracting, Pressure, Forceful, Egotist, but couldn’t cope with everything’s perfect becoming cynical, giving self too much idiotic/vanity pressure, cracking down eventually.

Guess it’s time to go back to my studies because what I have, is now more psychological. Maybe some push-ups, meditation, Fight Club, talks with others, study, doing what I know I have to do but not been doing. Honours project is a good start. I always have been thinking of something like tactical voting, sharing of votes between the democrats. Will be my title.

Again this place does not serve to be self-improvement or showing how good and mature I am. This is on the contrary sense some writing board of mine, evidently destroying myself day after day to resurrect again after.

If you are water, nobody can really hurt you.

All these things are not giving me what I want, shit writings, random boring people reading my masturbation all along, no comfort, no reliance, not a sign of whoever I care for ever get in. I am just fucking masturbating in front of a crowd of fucking boring strangers. My ex-girlfriend probably getting fucked on someone’s bed by now.

Fuck what you know, fuck all this shit, fuck the comfort zone and group therapy and all the meditative thinking that drags you away from reality and into some self-delusional cave with your power animal. You seriously have to stop all the shits you are doing, break everything you do you know you act. Be real, accept that there is no hope, train and live like some scum underdog.

It is when we have lost everything that we are free to do anything. Know what I mean? Calm, cool, in control, ready to get adventurous, no fear, no rules. Confident about yourself. The more you try to construct yourself with things you own, stuffs you have, girlfriends, cash, flat, degree, after safety is the world, certainty, the more you are insecure and you get up owned by stuffs you have.

Anything but your act, it’s your attitude and your act that defines you. So live up, stop all the shit writings, time spend on soaping facebook, buying things and contemplating owing things you want.

Hmm, now all that might sound sound and fury signifying nothing, but you may now imagine now my face look like, emotionless, fearless, casual and relax.

It’s not about being mean to family and friends and people around you, that’s not the point. Losers get angry about everything, fear of losing something they own, frustrated about themselves. Their emotions control themselves, they don’t need to be so, but they like to be so. They don’t get angry because it’s reasonable to be angry, it’s their habit.

What if they don’t exist, what if you are dragged out to really live by ending all the normative constraints that you set yourself up with? If you truly can live up, I think, that will not mean you will be selfish and mean and corky – it can be though if that’s an outcome – but you are happier and sharper. Happier and sharper are all it takes, sometimes you have to break some eggs.

A happy and sharp man must be confident and mature, because what made him into it, went through a process of discovering the absurdity of reality, he sees what is absurd, changes and fucks up a part of it, lives on with mockery with a part of it, protects and nourish the remaining part of it.

Now I think if we’d recall that sentence :

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise. -Alden Nowlan, poet, novelist, and playwright (1933-1983)

Truth be told I spent ages figuring up what my ex called “Confident and Mature”, because I thought if I knew that she would come back. But fuck what she knew, fuck what I know. I think the only thing that matters is you are clever and you are happy. If you are able to understand the above paragraph, maybe you are not there yet, but you are definitely close.

If you are water, nobody can really hurt you.