每年會考死不少人，高考也死不少人，現在兩者合一，加上最後一屆的高考，再加先難後易以減少批評的考慮，第一屆傷亡數字特別慘重其實是意料中事。

事實上就算上不了大學都不成問題，大學現在真的很像妓女，只要你有錢就不愁沒有書讀。你高興錢夠多給你開門課又怎樣，怕你要以自己命名一道門恐怕都得給你玩。

大學方面也是，為了錢就空拋一些高級文憑副學士，但他們心底都明白當中回得頭上大學不過一成，有錢有經費誰能拒絕。這其實想來和政府為了民意選票就拋量化寬鬆很像，都是後人給擦屁股，通脹和庫房犯不著在己任期處理。吃了天譴，不吃人譴。

人們也是，常常以魚目混珠的心態，學廁所管理都想迫進三大，有了大學的名好混差事，再不行就去外國。這個年代不像以前，最差的才送外國，還用二十多年前的遊戲規則玩，以為自己比別人跑在假像前，跟炒股票強積金同一回事。

學歷和工作能力掛勾是N年前了，人們為現實做了不少規則和遊戲，本來都有基礎，就像貨幣，學歷等。人們後來對這些東西越玩越走火入魔，反過來上了文憑的當，上了美國印銀紙的當。中國還不斷吸美債，那是後話。

到最後誰才是贏家，就是收入決定。對的，我喜歡請個大學生回來洗廁所，替我收銀，感覺就真像大學替我洗廁所收銀一樣。你讀大學不過求財，求財到頭來不過為了快感。

大學只是任人揩油水的模特兒，真正的智者早已隱隱於市，有如古時青樓名妓不怕污穢，花錢供養自己愛的窮書生。

When reading, for say age 5-6, we read just for fun because it was, then 15-16 we read for the sake of exam. We either stopped reading at 17-18 because we get bored with books and notes+ plagiarism will do in University, or we make rash comments about certain books, thinking that by reading that particular book we mastered already that theory/school and give criticisms mindlessly just to prove we seem to know, excluding a small part of irrational/rational people who do read.

It’s not impossible, but just hard to convince that they did not pass through the stage of 17-18yrs old.

The key perhaps is to understand that books are just one way to express opinions, which can be termed as ” It is my observation that …, do you think so?”, and hence discussion continues. It is not very agreeable to use books to do some intellectual masturbating, and we see that almost every day. Like when you give a book’s name or an author’s name, you are really knowing all about it.

A proper original position on reading is difficult in its simplicity.

We all would somehow be enlightened by books we read, and we touch the first layer of the great questions: Humanitarianism vs Utilitarianism, Free vs Just, Capitalism vs Socialism (Communism is outdated already, very)

So far it’s not really about the questions I felt, more like, if you have to be Humanitarian for say, you must be Utilitarian outside, like how you act. People in college just claim that they are utilitarian but then they say the others are too shallow, which is not quite utilitarian. Or either they claim themselves humanitarian and bragged about all things with strong sentiments rather than judgments.

Still not very sure about getting into another relationship, quite thinking these days. Because I am too serious about this? Besides I felt if my ex-girlfriend, Mikie Hara or Jessica Gomes asked me to be together, I might really ponder over that, which ponder itself is already a crime, although in reality all three of them are not possible at all.

hmm, sit and wait for a little longer maybe?

These days people are talking about University and Subjects. I think for whatever choice they are making, only one thing is worth remembering.

It’s not the school that honours her students, it’s the students that honour their school.

Structures and Symbols were created as a sign of modernisation, and in turn they have the tendency to deviate from what was believed to represent, due to deindividualisation, irresponsibility, the tendency of beings to decay, the fear to face reality.

Economy and monetary policies, certificate and education, efficiency and managerialism.

By which we observe the break down of systems is also the collapse of lives, as reality although distorted is still partially connected to life.

This question is where is the line.

(Andrew, Who the hell still cares about philosophy.)

書會完了後就送Sara回家，之後給她傳了個段子，說其實中學亦寫過不少情信而大多都是英文的。

她說好孩子，你這次又學了哪個作家？

其實我和她差不多大，但她卻老是佔我便宜，我說你說得出這樣的話，才真不知誰比較嫩。她看了就慌，說沒有，那應該就是我吧。

其實情信用英文寫是迫不得已的。你可以想象開口「我最親愛的萌昕」，閉口「你極虔誠的浩恩」是怎樣光景。此等文章飯前看了食欲不振，飯後看了消化不良，就寫了幾字相信都會自己喘幾口氣。

英文就不同，舉例說，My dearest Sara，Yours most faithfully, Andrew，寫來你就不覺得怎回事因為慣了，但你想想其實語氣很唬人。這樣說來法文就比英文更適合調情，我就恨自己法文說得不如英文好。I Love You 比我愛你浪漫一點，Je t’aime 比I Love You又更浪漫一點。這裡全無輕重之分，純粹是像戰時需得過了租界方能自由活動一樣。

而且情書情信在這個世代太賤了，別看人家送你一千枝玫瑰就覺得俗氣而比不上窮小子那首情詩。這個世代你喜歡寫多少詩就有多少，總之殘缺不全的都能當後現代詩，而且還不說很多人都讀不懂，是牛嚼牡丹不分好壞，送你就覺得寫得好。多數女人都只能夠看得懂字跡，整潔的就算好詩，不扭作一團就已經不錯。

所以你說，只要作兩首差不多的，然後就騰寫十多二十張，看見那個你喜歡的就給她發一張過去，不同場景用不同的詩（但是每一個場景都是一首），切記別要同時發給同一個人，功就成了一半，真是連吃飯上街看戲的錢都省了。文章雖不值錢，紙墨也並不費錢，就是這麼個解法。

想回去其實現在都很看不起當初的自己，不是後悔分手了因為很多時候都是機緣，而是為什麼詩不能寫得再好一點，這最少自己能作點主。但願某天我所愛過的女人們找回曾寫給她的那張唯一的蛀紙時，它還能帶給她一點歡樂。

Here records the past of mine, of whom I once was, and what I am now, every influence and inspiration helped me to understand myself better, and also the world.

It certainly feels like some autopsy, but then life for me has not come to an end yet, so it would be very helpful. However in writing such it feels as if you are holding the knife and cutting away the cancer yourself, definitely helpful but not quite pleasant.

The major principle of such is not to be judgmental, but to analyse the reasons and effects of having such emotions. Being judgmental is often the greatest mistake one can make, because emotion reflects need and feeds us information, which by nature neither good nor bad.

For the ease of record chronological order will not be followed, words will most likely appear in its rawest form.

1. Introduction

Childhood – Obeying Authority + Good Results + Physically Weak = Being bullied

Being Bullied + Brothers (Greater Authority – responsibility) + Band One School =

Self-centered + Depression + OCD + Aggressive Behaviour

2. Change

Breaking up with girlfriend

3. Books

The fundamentals (Framework)

Lee Tin Ming – All of them

Practical ethics ( Emotional Judgment vs Functional Approach)

Pang Ho Cheung – Love’s underground education

Hkgolden – All the way to the west

The Game – Psychology in action

Ideological struggle ( Just vs Free )

Core argument of Communism vs Capitalism

Nozick and Rawls

Francis Fukuyama

Love Letters ( The most selfish letters are also the most selfless letters)

John Keats

Beethoven

Thinking in words (Learning of the clear and neat expression of mind, also Earnest and Conscience)

Qian Zhong Shu

HanHan

Christopher Hitchen

Richard Dawkins

Creativity (Thinking out of the box)

Oscar Wilde

Nietzsche

4. Movies

The Dark Knight (Sacrificial vs the Social Life)

Inception (Dream, Reality, Forgiveness, Possibility)

Good Will Hunting ( Talented ego and Sociopath)

Smart People (Common fallacy and Drawbacks)

The Lord of the Rings (Faith and Endurance)

Life (Learning about the nature’s beauty)

The South Pacific (Darwin’s theory of evolution)

5. Therapy

Beck’s Cognitive Therapy (Making records and reasons of thoughts, not judgments)

Writing (Blogs, expressing feelings, feeding the need for sympathy and concern)

Copywriting (Rewriting pieces of value, thereby stepping into shoes of those thoughts)

Conversations with a variety of people ( Increasing perspectives and understanding)

Trusting yourself ( Sometimes the problem is not not caring, but caring too much that you have to pretend that you don’t care at all )

Theory of Inception (Whatever that is not self-generated is useless.)

6. Chess

Correct Evaluation (Seeing the position as it is, not something you want to see)

Phases of Strategy and Tactics ( Technique used during engagement vs Use of Engagement)

Cope with psychology moments ( Expected form of struggle vs Reality occurred during encounter [Expecting an attacking but getting a defensive game)

Imperfect games ( Games are often filled with mistakes, complex push and pull, instead of winning perfectly)

Continuous pressure (Game in theory if well played by both sides are draws, win and loss are a matter of human mistakes )

Transition of material and quality considerations (Often we sacrifice for an attack, after attacking gaining material we slow and quietly build for another attack. Often these two elements would change forms with others a few times)

Initiatives (Forcing opponent's reply and consequences, much harder to evaluate.)

7. Current States

Afraid that after my graduation, life would just be it. Finding some targets to accomplish, now two:

Focusing on Legco Studies as well as Working even Harder on my studies

Improve on my chess career.

Pondering over whether should start a new relationship. Once I am serious I am all serious, so must be very careful. [Meeting and Knowing vs Commitment]

Attitude:

Non-normative judgments (Recognising the importance of impression but focus on substances)

Liberal minded (More perspectives leading to better judgment)

Grateful of others’ effort (Other’s perspective)

Self-Conscious

Theory needs a meta-physical basis for its action, that it cannot function in a vacuum.

For example utilitarianism is not a theory, because it provides no faith and must be satisfied with itself as the ultimate limit. Consumerism and the index of usefulness substitute for all considerations that brings forth. It does not have any potential to extend beyond its literal meaning.

However, if we consider socialism as a sounder one, that it considers human beings are valuable and worthy of a better life and dignity, which serves to function and gives directions to extend. Humanitarianism is the underlying belief.

Capitalism in this sense is also more equal to socialism, however its emphasis on negative rights would perhaps render it not useful, as under the cloak of freedom much monopoly and oligarchy cannot be swept away due to the limit.

Limelight has always been on the discussion of Free(Capitalism) and Just (Communism), however whatever that is free does not mean that it must be just.

Nozick is of course right, but Rawls makes better progress.

They call it the unmatched understanding and response.

It’s more like when you try to show that you are serious in something, you appear in a different way.

Now that I spend my weekdays in my University dorm trying to imagine what’s it like when I graduate and live alone work alone. I hardly have time washing let alone ironing my shirts. And my boss today came to me and said I need to make it not only clean but tidy. Also I just tend to learn by heart, they said I should always bring a notebook to meetings even if I know I will understand nothing about it.

Rather impossible to just work all the hell along, it’s perhaps even fair to say that impression is more important than how you actually work, because it’s easier to judge a look than a piece of work.

And the same applies to forgetting the exam dates, only checking plagiarism but not emailing to prof. All these details matter, and immediately I went to a shop a bought a standing-iron machine, and went back home for my shoes.

和朋友聊天後知道原來她沒有已經算是沒有手機不行，每天要開著手機睡覺都不能關。其實聽了覺得很有趣，因為對我來說是不能想象的。

現在的人很喜歡說後現代結構主義一大堆，其實就是劃個圈，然後在圈裡有著和外頭不一樣的規則和價值觀。上網就是一個例子，成了自己的一個組織一個結構，當中的東西例如帖子照片遊戲，有著和現實世界完全不一樣價值與法則。這些事很多時候都只是公關技巧。

如果有點什麼事都是圍內大家電話或者見面說了，用不著FacebookMSN，最多都只是找散失的同學，但除非真的很好很好很好朋友，不然幾年後都認不出聊不上了。

而且組織越建越大有時反而會跟現實脫節，只要來一種毒性稍遜於愛滋病的電腦病毒，停個電地個震，甚至是乾脆強制性屏閉了你，你都不得不崩潰。

事情發生得太快也不好回應，深刻的東西總需要悟出來想出來，而訊息來得太快你卻只能麻木。長遠而言活著的人都需死去，在死亡時那刻面前自己。倘若沒有什麼深刻的東西能拿出來，恐怕那種靈魂空虛無言的痛更難受。

何況不說電腦，只要你找不到工作糊口，哪怕是給你替梁振英洗襪子你都得洗，而且不那麼極端，如果替他洗襪子的人工比你現在的工作高出不少，你會猶疑都能證明。很多所謂的理想和堅持，並不是那麼能抵得上考慮，尤其當制度和現實不掛勾時，要好好考慮你到底想要什麼。

過去就是太憤世，都看不起分數但是問題在於你要苟且玩下去還是不能沒有水平，待你有點能力起碼能養活自己時，你就能得到那麼一點的自由，尤其在中國在香港這類哲學家和作家都只能開窮的國家，就更別想了用點可笑的人權理論去爭取，要用得上就必需移民西方。

可能有點更重要，就是在Whatsapp和FacebookMessage中知道對方收到了你的訊息。以前就說會不會錯傳，但是現在很利索，就是別人看了就是不回你，你不值得她動個指頭，一針見血而無負於義，一拍兩散反而爽快。

註：警方濫用警權，其實更合理的推斷應是Zimbardo Effect。

用臉書倦了，燈紅酒綠的自慰和炫耀讓我感到厭倦，唯一好處是能找回些舊朋友，勉強開著不刪掉以免別人以為你心理有問題。

這天找回一個舊朋友，中學時很要好的同學，不過今天找回熱情問好，只換來兩句以後又音訊全無。想些前女友啊舊朋友啊舊同學啊其實又有誰不是這樣，但是猜也是無謂的，你證實不了。很可能這不是個人的性格缺陷導致，我猜我能說，而是生疏了任誰都可能這樣。

除非事關重大，否則別人態度有變，智者視而不見，見而不聞。