1.不解為什麼突然多了很多人。

2.立法會前，如果基辛格在香港，也許他會問：「如果我要在立法會投票支持泛民，該投給哪一個政黨？」是為了這個原因，所以對於公民黨的那份助選工作猶疑。

3.小弟已決定要去加拿大，大弟就在用自己GCE的成績報英國的大學。看來家中負擔甚重，自己成績也不很理想，身為大兒子的我很可能就這麼工作一輩了完了。其實我不想這樣，似乎也沒有辦法，不過委實是不想放棄自己的夢想。成績當然重要繼續追，但是這刻更重要是不捨得他們一起同時離開。

小時候和同學相處不好被欺負而常對他們發洩，到失戀覺悟以後才開始是三四年有點改善，霎眼便要轉身，兩個人同時離開。算了，繼續讀書，說不定將來還有希望，可以唸碩士旅居在歐洲見到面，而不是大排檔喝著青島訴苦。

4. 幻想破鏡重圓，是浪費；不信世上有金剛不變之心，是少見多怪。

為熱愛的人或事物灑下熱血和熱淚，最壞的結果無非就是對方一句你想怎樣。

其實寫東西當然想別人多點看，雖說別人的看法並不是最重要。自把「無痕觀看」也允許了以後，其實很好奇到底有多少人來過這裡看我字。更奇怪是不知為什麼總有一大堆東歐和美國用戶狂刷我博客，不過世界上總有很多事是解釋不了的，尤於網上。

對於分手的看法可以是這樣：其實如果分手是因為雙方在性格上衝突（最少在年輕時多數都只會是/只能是這個問題），雙方又沒有有過很深的感情交流，其實要很快找過一個不難。找到當然好，找不到的唯有對於「為什麼找不到女朋友」的問題進行哲學思考。

取「附庸風雅養成內行的鑒賞」的說法，只要時間夠長就可能成一個哲學家或者文學家。問題又在於這種哲學容易和生活偏離開，性格容易孤闢。方法可以是和朋友聊聊天、往海邊走走、上一些好的網、射幾十球籃。不過痛苦令體會深刻，快樂令精神。要平衡孤寂和快樂的時間不是太容易，或許更准確的說沒有多少選擇。

大弟這幾天不斷為大學事忙，據我看他有點為了大學的名氣多於學科，他就說是名氣和實力有關係。後來我又說以他實力暫時也沒可能進（他只說了哈佛、牛津、劍橋、LSE），很可能碩士才算，建議他還是務實點，他就說我在打沉他士氣。

後來臨出門時我望著他想，其實對底一個人到了中六自我認知算是清晰的，他也清楚有多少機會。就算入不到，不斷重覆事實（即使是事實）其實也沒有作用，如果真是事實到頭來不用你說都會發生。

然後你說：「看我不早就說了」其實也是於是無補的，這只是為了要告訴別人自己有多聰明，建築在別人痛苦之上。倒不如鼓勵一下他，就算是輸波都是一起輸，感覺不那麼慘。說中他入不了其實也不很厲害。

說真話都看時候的，說話其實沒有對錯只看場合和時間。不過說來所有東西都這樣。

倒是他對我說他預計自己有四科A比較吃驚，都知他勤力，不過沒想到這樣牛，可能只是我讀書方面沒他好。如果外國有Offer，就只接受本港三大（他說二大），如果沒有Offer就只接受本港六大。我們覺得這樣。

臨走前半假半真對他說：「希望你能入讀哈佛，牛津或劍橋，唸個醫學法律雙學士」

1.If indeed when one is invited to write a memoir of his earlier parts of life, he is tempted by not only the past but his gravity for creation to rectify or romanticize, he then when choosing the paths of his future, will be equally tempted by what he intent to become in the future, which creation and sensitivity take place of sensibility.

There are indeed a lot of things I want to do, but then time is fair to all, wise are those who choose the most important one to focus on, and the foolish ones take too much fancy which in turn become unbearable. Therefore finally decided to abort the internship application, focus my time on finishing some important readings regarding my honours project, continuing waiting for the professor’s project on Legco to commence, find summer jobs concerning chess to obtain an obscene amount of money.

2. Studying psychology gives me great pleasure in understanding myself. In abnormal psychology the psycho-dynamic school by Freud is particularly interesting. It seems that all my weird behaviours are all explanable and acceptable, given R.D. Laing’s famous quote “Irrationality is the perfectly rational adjustment to an irrational world”

Hugging my pillow and taking it my ex-girlfriend, talking to it and making apology before going to bed occasionally.

Feeling myself changing from getting to the image of her wanted me to be, to leaving it.

They are all within the reach of psycho-dynamics, I am now feeling a bit more normal for being abnormal.

3. Met a pretty young Russian girl in the chess club, talked about some logics in chess as well as flashed my accent a bit. She seemed to appreciate it very much and said that I am very clever, despite her deficit in English she still understands what I am implying.

When she was leaving she gave me a passionate hug (Which I guess is common in Russia), and I could sort of feel her boobs.

The thing is that because we as youngsters still know relatively less about the world, young innocent girls can fall in love easily by some empty speeches of men older than them, they would not know it even if that men bullshitted some random stuffs. The same happens to young boys who would admire any young male teachers who seem to know the world much more than they do (Which is commonplace knowledge if you get to that age)

Just like Communism one can easily overestimate the bright side of human nature and knowledge, should always be careful about that. But seriously if she is a little older than she now is and she does not have a boyfriend, I would propose to her.

Pics next week.

http://forum2.hkgolden.com/view.aspx?message=3751008&page=1&highlight_id=0

本來想打篇比較文言的，不過他後來想起還是想省點事，一篇兩用罷。

是咁的

大學住Hall
分到Sem2同一個德國仔一齊住

佢好好人
成日帶佢係香港週圍走週圍走
佢屋企人黎到仲帶佢同我屋企人一齊食飯

佢知我鍾意食德國火腿（佢屋企人黎個時帶左一大條，佢分D俾我食）
咁之後佢有個德國朋友黎香港
主動問我洗唔洗託佢朋友帶

我話好呀不如帶少少地道野食Tim
咁跟著佢朋友黎到
我地又一齊食飯

跟著佢就交左一大袋手信俾我呀爸呀媽
話係佢朋友帶黎

我呀爸呀媽知道左就教訓左我一餐
話其實人地唔好意思拒絕但我麻煩到人

我地嘈
然後我呀爸話其實唔想同我一齊住，成日同我嘈
唯有十一點都從屋企走番宿舍

之後我問佢叫佢坦白係唔係唔方便
佢話其實真係無乜所謂，有人鍾意德國野覺得好食係佢家鄉光榮
佢同我咁耐，德國仔性格又開門見山，咁我都信佢

其實之後覺得又四種覺悟

第一係其實呀爸其實都已經相對平時比較上算幾心平氣和咁講，不過佢細個打得我多（其實我算讀得下書又幾聽老師話所以小學個時成日俾人蝦，對屋企好反叛，呀爸成日打我），所以就算依家俾之前收左幾多火都好，我既潛反應都係對抗，有時會火上加油。

如果我真係當無事係應該唔會有反應，但係之後都喊左幾聲，五年前失戀都未喊到出黎依家卻又真係喊左。

第二係呀爸呀媽成日話教我做人，聽日會明，其實我唔明。

如果你想幫就幫，能力所限或者唔想幫咪推左佢囉。決定左要幫就幫，HiHi唔好喊。點解成日要因為人情唔推硬要幫，幫完自己又嬲又Mung。而且我覺得幫同唔幫都係個兩個人自己問題，唔得就出聲，況且好多野我都係自己做得就做。

呀爸話我成日點人做野，其實唔係，好多時候屋企要買外賣，遲番細佬要我買埋老麥番屋企都係我買，就算呀爸睇報紙有時如果工人唔係要出開去，我都幫埋手買，咁都算洗人。

真係唔係好明佢地所謂人情世故。

第三係其實呀爸都對，我都二十一歲，係時候自食其力。老實講我都好想照顧屋企人，覺得就算第時老都應該同佢地一齊住，不過好似呀媽咁講其實應該我同佢都頂呀爸唔順。就算仲讀緊書都唔想成日再俾呀爸用錢蛾我（其實我都算好省個堆毒男了）

第四係佢鬧完我都仲可以打算厚住面皮食哂我D火腿

其實真係好想經濟獨立，可以照顧屋企人，雖然仲讀緊書都唔想成日因為經濟問題俾家人（其實淨係我呀爸，成日同佢講野佢都話1)你唔好理，就算sai都只係sai我自己既錢2)你唔好用呀，呢間屋企乜都係我出錢買）抽稱。

加上我都二十一歲，同朋友之間既事其實都唔關屋企人事，我咁大個都應該可以自己處理，人地真介意假介意同人地熟唔熟我自己都明白都睇得出。

同埋點解唔幫得就幫，幫唔到拒絕就算，因為面子問題要幫人但係又後悔又同人發脾氣，其實我覺得咁先唔成熟。

不過不孝子咁講，呀爸脾氣太大其實幾難相處，有義氣但係佢幫完你就一定要受佢氣，呀媽都話等我地大左想同佢分開住，加上脾氣大易傷肝，恐怕退休之後比較難過…

其實又唔係無主見，反而覺得自己好清楚自己想點，不過家人唔支持，呀爸仲親口話唔鍾意愛覺得我成日同佢頂嘴不過因為我無錢仲讀緊書先忍我同我一齊住

聽到呢到我先忍唔住有幾滴，番到廁所先抹。

現在下棋時已經打敗些先前不能勝的對手，棋如今在充滿電腦分析的時代裡已經談不上要走出好棋，你只要不盲棋給吃掉就可以了。於是從對初學者而言的充滿可能性，到對較高水平者可能性大幅減少，它似乎對我的吸引力有點減弱。不過說來可能只是自己還有些不知道的不知道，於是便以為自己知道。

之前（很久以前）曾經很無聊地對浪漫有著機械般的看法，說什麼要和些有名的作家談天說地，一起做些他們最有名的事。其實只不過是賣弄學識書包亂掉，只書了一點的人才會說出這樣的話。想要這樣又何必打上網，回去看書即可。獨自讀書無人問，不理會現今的浮燥潮流，才最浪漫。

說來天才們看法獨特而合理，俗人以外在條件來衡量事情是一般見識（例如說英語就只會注意人家口音），天才者別樹一幟排除成見而往往有遭世非議的見解，而那些見解剛好就是極為合理但因世俗規條而遭摒棄的一堆。

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/r/r_d_laing.html

R.D.Laing 即屬此例，多看讀有助了解定義。

在少年快棋賽作壁上觀，常覺小童的自我是The Rawest Form of Human Nature，所有下棋中的反應都能看成是有趣的舉動。例如嚎哭、大笑、憤怒、悲傷、驕傲，善觀察者常能知微知著，以一顆沙子觀天下。

而像黃子華所說，於旺角中確能觀人，不要將人看成是一堆人一群人，而看成為The Aggregate of Individuals，會有不少的驚醒。歷史中有時有些看此不合理的當時做法，也受這不確定性的因素影響。

女人和男人的關係，我以為終於是馴服與被馴服的關係。

問題在於被馴服了的已經不算男人，女人的馴服也終於會摧毀所愛。

男人多數天生屬於野生動物，女人多數天生屬於穴居動物。

從酸到苦（慾望、妒嫉、恐懼導致不開心、痛苦、自大/卑），

以鹹回到甜（從不斷的在網上享受雲端性愛，加上一路向西的《東莞的森林》和彭浩翔的《愛的地下教育》，走回肯定回憶中也曾有過的美好），

現在是時候辣一下，從《殺悶思維》取下幾句：

視而不見、無動於衷，往往非呆即辣。

情至深者可以至辣，當那是唯一選擇。

割斷過去，永不回顧，情滅、恩盡、義絕，直到永遠；辣之至也。

近日家中變化頗多，老爸決意送小弟到加拿大讀書，大弟要上大學讀書，老爸自己很可能一年後退休，如果可能我也會在一年他離開。

其實真的學費太貴，只爸一路說值得。問題就好像年輕情侶戀愛了於是什麼代價都說值得一樣，老爸一向崇洋而覺香港教育不濟事。二弟持久戰了半年，從備戰DSE都現在一直還在考試其實頗辛苦，不過他沒說什麼。老爸年事已高而孩子們開銷大負擔不用多說。媽比較樂天，這回兒回到少女時老在看台劇，如常地學西班牙文變化不多。

表姐冒險地舉債完全學位回來，暫時沒有地方下腳（父親在深圳，姐姐結婚了兩個都說不能照顧），爸說暫時借我房間來住一住。雖然說是為了體驗完全獨立的自住工作生活，不過感覺就像被表姐同時取代了位置和房間一樣。

事實是週邊的條件取決了你的價值的高低，但這實在不影響你的能力。試過做過都發現不適合自己，那就換過一個適合自己能力的環境。不能夠因為自己在環境中表現不好就不斷看輕自己，你總得為自己創造條件，要等條件完全滿足你恐怕很久，就算暫時忍耐著也不見得很糟。

將來如過可以，我想做一個作家或者些類學術研究的東西，另一半時間用來週遊各地做一個Chess Tourist，偶而寫些詩呀散文呀評論呀維生。這樣很可能就一輩子，爸媽會說我不長進，找不到老婆結婚，不過我覺得只有這樣的生活才適合我。

將宗教看成是人類精神的依靠是適合的，不一定所有人都能夠強得精神能獨立，應該對於宗教的善處心存感激，並且設法進出當中的改革，使宗教更加合乎人性。

「大體而言，蘇格拉底比哲學學者浪漫得多，孔孟老莊比儒家學究浪漫得多，釋迦牟尼比佛學專家和佛教聯會會長之類浪漫得多，耶穌比教皇主教牧師神學家電視傳道人等浪漫得多」

你看，倒對的，大多其實只是建制問題。

對於分手了別人不在乎的解脫，也可以從類似途徑得到安慰。試閱讀以下句子：

「有些人死了怕所愛的人傷心，有些人死了只怕所愛的人不傷心。」

如果是前者，則分手亦應作如是觀之，甚至更好。

不過寫得太多也不算慧，不算浪漫。寫少一點可能更浪漫，智者解苦，浪漫者忘苦。

Facebook的Timeline終於來了，設計了一些三流介面然後強迫用戶使用。近日想來其實Facebook用處除了找人以外，別的都只不過是支支瑣瑣。但是如果像從為一樣要刪除掉那又太刻意，別人又會覺得我回前從前自我封閉。就這樣留下不用，逃得過逃得過，逃不過逃不過。

以「不開心就不開心吧」作為解脫，和思考所有可能性以得出自己能力的局限從而開解自己，兩者有著明顯分別。

前者不用力，後者用力。

前者灑脫，後者擺脫。

而且並不是說所有的情感問題都能以理性開解，例如做錯事的羞愧。這必然是Pesistent，Implusive，但如果真能用理性超脫，事實是那人應和禽獸或機器無二。

何況不一定要用很理性的方法解決，例如女人有煩惱去Shopping，男人有煩惱去看一看星星。這肯定和理性思考局限無關，但是一定比較省力。

而浪漫和忘憂更有關，不過這是後話。

現在開始先把延遲考試的最後一科溫習好、然後是先前沒有時間讀的閒書、先前沒有練好的棋練完、先前沒有讀完的立法會選舉報告讀完、再上大學的網頁找找申請大學的詳細資料。

那時跟Cyrus開玩笑說不贏幾個比賽（Berlin Open, Munich Open）不回來，現在想想倒真有可能回不了來。

Thomas Gray的墓園輓歌，當時就是開始看見它亦對英國文學有興趣，早前下載了Footnotes還老是沒時間讀。

現在人都只研究詩，沒人寫詩了，但是其實一首好詩不難寫成，例如：

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OzQCcoHAu4&feature=related

Roses are tits
Violets are tits
I like tits
tits

其實不難

I. Even though things have passed, but still when people talk about it, I still feel very embarrassed and do not find their conversation pleasant and would like them to quiet down for that time.

Those certainly are impulsive emotions, and no they are indeed not inferior, and yes they serve to prevent those mistake from happening again by reminding me how that hurt myself and those I care.

Guess I didn’t realise that, and that by Patricia’s words, I am rediscovering myself, and indeed as Patrick Jane says, “At peace with themselves.”

And in extension, start to understand why someone once a mistake is made between us, is never seen again. The event is always there as a happened incident, but too painful to be constantly reminded of that fact.

II. Interview didn’t go as well as planned, but they are perhaps in a shortage of people, so I guess it will still be successful. Next time should make a list of stuffs to be accomplished before going to interviews.

I.D. card (Didn’t bring, forgot)

True Copies of Cert (Didn’t bring, thought results are not good enough to make people demand a copy to verify, which they duly did and didn’t get)

Copies of Cert (Managed to make three copies but none of them wanted)

Typing test (Did not manage to type any Chinese character with the two default typing methods provided in computer and was forced to cheat – Turning on IE and head for PingYin Chinese Input)

Interview (Relatively best, but they aren’t having any out-going job vacancies so that does not give extra credits)

III. Sometimes, those so called internship is not for money or either good new experience, at least explicitly. More of it is to let you get used to being bored and dull, both in your own personality and the working tasks that you will eventually face, before the chance would come. Such would be a more proper expectation.

The implication that has been given me through this experience is that, one shall always choose a job that suits you. And for myself I fear that such would be the end of my life. I must find something that suits my style: Out-going, Communicating, Outdoors and Physical Work are fine. Just don’t make me do girls’ work : Concentrate, Sitting, Safety-first.

IV. My brother has been having a hard time for the continuous exams he takes, in my opinion dad is pushing the envelope too hard. Although with anger and worries I look upon the whole thing, he himself seems to be calm enough.

If you are able to be at peace with the situation, so can I, brother. Will learn to make do with it as you are.

V. There are different stages of relationships, not quite the relationship itself, but what attracts you. I think I know in relative terms what those would be, just that I am not sure in what stage am I in. To my understanding there are three types girls for that age would fall for:

14-24

1) Charm-attracted. pure talent, good look, physical attributes.

25-40

2) Real factors attracted. money, job, real assets, vehicles, influence.

41+

3) Character-attracted. Thought, Knowledge, Personality, Attitude.

Somehow love affairs are like quagmire, making one emotional, irrational, dependent. Not sure am having the correct mindset, better stay and watch for a while.

VI. And in fact even for internet sites there can be different ppl. Once you can see through yourself you know the types by reading their comments.

i Ragers – Negative Guys who complain about everything

ii Emos – Always sobbing and worrying

iii Attention-whores – Always trying to get noticed

iv Likers – Always would like regardless of content

v Cynics – Be skeptical and cynical about everything

vi Laumingers -Leave their name in virtual everywhere they visit

vii Paid-Guns – Usually by XXX who would use every post to glorify XXX

viii CD-ROM – Read only, never post anything

VII. Equally good

http://forum6.hkgolden.com/view.aspx?type=BW&message=374057

VIII. The only good thing about writing diaries, is that you get to noticed how stupid you are, before it’s too late, because it’s never too late while you are still breathing.

Yes, consistently I am always re-posting, writing old stuffs again and again. The idea is not to practice a thousand kicks one time each, but one kick one thousand times.

今天終於把所有書都捐了回學校，事實是像之前所說一樣，其實買書回來不過是圖個舒服。買了不一定會看，反而買了放著會浪費了雙方的青春，書放著不讀只是一堆蛀紙。

你想讓書活，必需放手。有時候回首看看，不撿書不會發現自己當初的虛榮和貪婪，買了書之後的懶惰，終於要捐賣時的覺悟和後悔。但是你就是當初一本一本買，都這麼多書了還吸取不到教訓，非得要待了房子容不下多一本時你才罷手。

這天客貨車上，看著車前一個像經輪的風車，就問問司機。他說是有次機緣看掌，師傅說的都中了，也不強迫他買，後來又遇上了就覺得倒是有趣，請師傅開了光，聽說有助財運。

「我不是信，只是這回事信則有不信則無，你總要點東西支撐著自己的信念。」

送完書後回去棋會，乘車時和會長討論問題。有時候讀書太多（例如棋書）會麻木，一大堆棋步就寫出來，看得太多慢慢就不會自己思考一下為什麼會走這步來，老是急不及待自己就跳一頁。結果真到比賽就想不出來，就只跟著自己看書而得大概的感覺而走。

「大概是Qualitative – Quantative 的討論」

「不對，有部份不是。例如是現在比起以前，大學學的東西在中學教，中學呢東西就已經在小學教。這和越級以及缺乏基礎而跳教無關，相反這說明了時代的進步。」

所以說，不妨做個忘本的浪子。你讀書越多，按理越能發覺盡信書不如無書，不能老是滿屋都書才叫胸有點墨水，只有讀書不多的人讀了點書就洋洋得意老說人讀書少，我的老師們會換個說法：「你還是多點讀書罷。」忘本不一定是壞事，去到了某個程度以後那是你唯一的出路。而且那只是不拘於數量和形式，不論什麼時候對於知識的熱愛都不受影響。家中不用太多書的，很難處理又會積塵長蟲，還不如一張圖書證。

而且司機的講法某個程度上反映了Reconciliation of the Rational Theory。慢慢了解到終於怎麼理性都好，人精神上都需要一點點寄托。存在主義只肯定了過去，但和對未來抱有樂觀的態度其實沒有必然關係。如果這樣看來，那麼對於宗教的看法就可以更進一步，由只了解皮毛理性主義而盲目反對宗教的低等理性沙文主義者，到可以容忍但仍堅持對錯的中等理性主義者，到因為了解到人基於本性和認知上的局限而不能全然理性，必需些不同的精神寄托的較高等理性主義者。

理性主義者不一定就沒有精神寄托，儘管可能有點不一樣，不過每個人其實都不一樣，不光是寄托。

說來明天也要去面試，還在想要不要帶正本。本來就應該正副本也帶，不過其實想想自己成績都很差，偽做分數差劣的成績其實愚蠢而沒有意義，所以再想想還是省得帶正本證明了。