其實大家都有共同的朋友，真的要不見很難，有時在臉書都一大堆推到你面前，但是我看她樣子越來越醜。

有想過其實是不是葡萄的問題，但不是。我想大概很久以前就定型於喜歡不施脂粉的女人身上，例如我媽媽就是不會化妝的那類，而就算自從我認得媽媽以來一直看，媽都是吃了防腐一樣。可能這樣久而久之，就不再喜歡化了妝的女人，怎看都受不了，一是Highlight了自己的缺點，二是又回去哈姆雷特了：「God has given thou one face, but you make yourself another.」

最可能是她化妝差，或者只是因為要拍照，或者我太Philosophical。

鏡頭倒真是一個很大的問題，閃避不是，迎上去都不是。但是這回兒手機轉好了，所以就拿著相機亂拍。不過是拍一下風景，人就比較少，除非是多年沒見的，例如老師。哲學家們說這代表了文字的死，但他們哀悼之際，事情也不是說就能改變的，何況如果我們取Oscar Wilde 的 Beauty is the greatest wisdom，又有不同的說法。

歌唱比賽後高桌晚宴後別人忙拍照，其實通常兩三張過後都會溜回房間自己房間。看見別人拍照自己沒得拍是回事，然而當你能拍時，Pose都是個問題。而且如果真的夠理性，又夠存在主義的根基，照片不用拍得太多。

陳老師和Cyrus都笑過我總喜歡將問題搞得很Philosophical，不錯，所以之前參加了MindxChange，和商學院的人一起玩。很有趣是他們想問題總較Quantitative，而我總是比較Qualitative。有時辯論比賽，沒有了前者很難成形，沒有了後者就無法留下印象。當時不明白兩者要如何配合，現在慢慢開始明白了。

其實下棋都是同樣道理，事情想透了，懂得那裡細想那裡背書，分好輕重，自然就好。這又說到了電腦的問題，同儕們看到了最近有人終於開始用超級電腦，有系統的將所有的步數拆解出來，個個都議論紛紛，說什麼棋的時代完了。我說你又不是電腦，Yoga Barry：「In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.」倒不如你用下棋來學好思考方法，勝負其實並不重要。

Cyrus又出擊：「sure, i’ll try to think in chess and try to win in philosophical discussions. come to think of it its not that unfeasible 」好，我輸。

想來很多人問我將來有什麼打算，你問，但是我真沒有打算。中學生活在人性的盲驅力下過了，大學如夢初醒急起直追。很多時事都不是你能掌握的，讀書不算好但有得讀，交友不算多但也算有。時間都花在課外活動上，比較多學術的東西。

不過都是參加了才知有些只為了名，並不是什麼書本上沒有的知識，其實不值。很可能Yr3回去為最後一年在母校教棋作准備，要好好誨誨學弟。除此以外繼續參加多點其他事，不一定只是政治。只是同學們不夠積極吧。我想來想去就是自己不夠狂放，事實也是這年住Hall人玩多了瘋了，好像才比較正常。

總的說，也是隨遇安。

http://www.rthk.org.hk/elearning/leetm/topic08b_r.htm

偶然會聽。

想當時別人對我期望其實未必合理，我對自己期望亦然，事情沒有像我們夢想般發生，最後大家都失望。

後來嘗試著不要有太多假定的必然的想法，隨遇而安，精神反而深刻而強韌。

跳舞真快樂，任自己放鬆手腳，隨音樂跳些奇怪的舞步，發洩一下。

人不偶而膠一下精神會有問題。:D

ZZzzZzzzzzZZzZzzzzZZzz..

參加了比賽，賽後發覺了海報中只有我自己的相片被人用海報釘子釘出一個個洞。

賽前就知道要靠現場觀眾投票決出勝負，所以問Charmaine 她找得怎麼。我說我想只有一個，因為別人都覺得我很怪，別人都和我保持距離。她說那麼她也很怪，只有兩個。

「Well at first ys I think u r kinda strange but then i think u r too smart for others to understand」

看了很久，有點感動。她以為我覺被冒犯，再打：

「I mean u r still a gd man ga」

賽後看到了Poster，問Ronald，他說：

「lol
to me, no
but to others, maybe yes
depends on how much people know you
arrogant and cool at first sight」

其實說實話，我也不是那種在乎別人想法的人。和一向一樣，只自己太不了解人，原來真會有這種相互討厭的行為。親眼看見了傳聞的「人會討厭別人」，只自己一向後知後覺。

每次聽中英文Listening都有重回那些年的感覺。

這麼多年了，和趙老師一起憑欄，大家好幾分鐘都不發一言。

其實有時想起中學時自己種種奇怪和無禮的舉動，無疑源於自卑。上到大學情況好轉了，只和同學也不從來往甚密，舊同學也不怎聯絡。唯每每回校替學弟補習和搞興趣班，得和老師交談幾句。除父母以外他們對我包容體諒，感激甚深。

趙老師和林老師，一代風流的儒林之風，於今人已不復再見。

我覺得其實蒼生的概念和李小龍的一句又有點相呼應，可作互為理解。

“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless – like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

今天跟朋友聊一回天，三年沒見了，不自覺在讀書跟她炫起來。其實很簡單，就是說人本來有理性也有獸性，現在似乎是過份冷漠抽離，缺乏了一些血性和本色。不過老是覺得用讀書讀過太陽神和酒神，兩者的本性作對比的例子說比較動聽。

「有沒有讀過點希臘文學」

「People are running away 」

先前她也覺得有思想很重要，後來明白原來不是每個人都Clever Intellectually，只是可能Clever在不同地方而已。

也是，昨天打羽毛球，Mars說要付借我們羽毛球的人錢（我倆都只有拍沒球）。我問五塊夠不夠？他說不要，先道歉，然後再表示希望賠償。

有人用羽毛球網打排球，我勸了沒聽，Mars事後跟我說：「你說了別人不聽又對你有負面印象，球場管理員自會勸告，何必呢？可以出手，但各人有自己職責，閒事莫理。」

想來也很有道理

每次走路回宿舍，總會經過這路，又會想起事來。

黃子華有次訪問，帶了記者到旺角，他說：「

我當然有立場啦，但係重點唔係立場，係……係我係唔係真係能夠講中佢既生活。

逼不能已你係要有個立場，但問題係，人地黎睇係唔需要同意你個立場呀嘛。如果佢黎到，睇到就話呢個唔係我地既生活，咁我就會失望囉，覺得我係睇得錯囉。

即係點解我成日都話，我鍾意蒼生呢個概念，係因為蒼生係無立場嫁。一百萬不同既人用不同既方式去生活，邊個可以話邊個岩邊個錯呀，但係如果你講既都係佢地既生活，咁我覺得已經夠囉。」

望住那些窗，常記起他說的所謂蒼生。

1. I long have cultivated understandings towards so called “rationalism makes people indifferent”, “group is often irresponsible”, “Managerial-ism” when I was like 15,16. Still remember the way I behave was like, I hate those things, rules, organisations, norms.

But then the more I go deep, it seems that I now understand more, how it rooted out, and at some time you have to comply with the rules. Like no matter how much you hate it, you have to get attached, the system has already evolved and almost play by its rules. University being one of its finest examples.

Recalling those passionate and sorrowful memoir those intellectuals wrote back to the new China in 1920s. Everybody wanted to help the countries, but then eventually, like they were tempted or destroyed. It was more like, you don’t have the practical skills, can’t even feed yourself. And the words they told to school children were : “Be able to feed yourself first.”

2. Think my youngest brother doesn’t understand that.

Dad these days have been talking about sending him to Canada, but me and my elder younger brother don’t think it’s gonna work. If he’s already not studying in here, with both parents in front of him, how would you expect him to be more behaved and study hard in Canada? It’s not just for where you send me, and he will be good because it’s Canada by itself.

3. Maybe we say the managerial-ism roots out of loss of conscience, deformed humanity, but maybe it’s even fairer to say usually the road to hell is often heavenly walked, while the true path to heaven seems to be found only by chance.

It’s perhaps, more accurately, related to the loss of confidence in oneself, feeling the need to justify for your own existence. And there you create a lot of things to justify everything, like they exist because they are meeting ends. And after all those fearful thoughts, evil is created if not just mess.

Maybe also some practical guidance to put a stop on existence and justification, like for myself? After all we always say to combat managerialism, evil, greed, injustice, but eventually where the hell did all these come from?

Humans. Like if there’s any fight, it’s not aimed towards specific groups or targets, but each and everyone of us, ourselves.