1.晚宴從司儀當回參加者，發覺原來自己不在位置，其實感覺虛無。如果自己本來就是有著某些重要位置，就會覺得很積極很投入。但是如果我什麼都不是在中間誰都不是，會感覺有點不安。

可能還是感覺比較沒從Competitive Mode，Debate那些年中轉回來。而且本來就覺得拍照很麻煩，閃開不是，但是靠過去也不是。不太喜歡人多，一起喝酒聊天更好。如何自處總是個問題。

2.參加了商學院的比賽，原來還是個公關Show，到底是讀出他們早寫好的演詞，按他們要的風格去排去演。

Ronald說感覺不舒服，我說不要緊我們也只是打工的，贏了四千輸了二千也不錯，每人分得最少五百，何必計較。有時你要經驗就不能算錢，要錢的通常都很悶，兩樣都要你倒想得很美。

Managerialism早是反智的大趨勢，無事硬管事生事來管，覺得自己無存在感搞出這麼多事，想不到會是如此地步。

3.晚上和樓友兩杯下肚感受良多。

他們太多談風月之事，我只覺得不舒服。有些原因舊，有些原因新。

一是自中學一路未有這樣討論，敢情是自些山寮小學到華仁，硬是覺自卑，從沒交心的瞎扯過。

二是聽他們說了，其實想到自己到底對愛過的女人也成了自己討厭的一類人，肉體和精神都對她們的崇拜和需求構成依賴。

三是就是覺得動物性的行為無不妥，但我比他們也顯得功利而短淺。既對兩性關係抱一廂情願的想法，也不了解兩性的想法。有需求不是問題，但是也玩得太差勁了。

後來問朋友如果給多次機會，會否依舊交歡。全場只有我回答後悔和不會。有些是後悔但會，有些做就做都不會後悔。

結論是和朋友價值取向差很遠，但我想也非得就要依從他們。我還是相信一生一世，只和終身伴侶做，所以一直後悔不吐不快。本常文字多寫，這次也終於當別人面放開了，感覺良好。

如果信念這樣容易被動搖，就不提也罷。不如當成是堅定的支持不是因為盲目而是更深的理解，雖然痛苦也不失用處，明白世界有時不一定簡單，但信念仍然簡單而一往情深。

1. Would always add random hot girls I see on facebook. Like, although you don’t know them, watching their picture is still of great pleasure

2. Anyway decided to just abandon that disavowing of our former team captain, after some talks with psychologist and teacher. Perhaps they are right, I just think of the need for discipline, plus a bit of revengeful feeling. Perhaps greater team spirit is needed than discipline. But still it’s a problem, they are not having disciplines. Will have to find ways to deal with it.

3.Saw my classmate in the restaurant, she was the prettiest one in the class. And then I heard her talking about finding her skirt chasers, like she enjoys being the center of attention, like making fun of them. It completely destroyed my perception for her, but anyway, that’s one perspective of humanity I guess.

4. So after making that apology, my teammates/boys say life’s not like chess, you can always take a move back.

But then as we all know, that isn’t true.

5. Just vote it.

Got a new mobile phone, but have no idea how to use it. I always wanted one, but it seems that reality is not quite the case you have expected. I am done with this piece of shit and am returning it to my father.

1.

為晚宴買的，很久沒有買過新衣服了

2. 最近翻看美軍在越用橙劑的後遺症。

過程正義，不一定結果就正義。要結果正義，是很實在的。要過程正義，最少不正義是還有改錯機制，兩者同樣重要。

你用橙劑兩字搜一搜圖來看，准保你這晚睡不著。

Somebody should pay serious attention to this web

http://photography.nationalgeographic.com/photography/?source=NavPhoHome

1. Take some time to remind yourself, just don’t do that everyday.

2. Wow the boys I taught managed to win their first ISF Open 2012, securing a team first place. Really proud of you boys.

Still remember the way I was extremely drained, after the inter-school where our team suffered defeats. Team players disobeying orders as their ego to win getting the better of them, instead of drawing for the best interest of team (Less Risk) and lost, their mental state unstable that they often have no patience and threw away technical wins that takes time.

Coaches are supposed to just mentor them, train them. Losing is of the students and not the coaches, thus they should just be blamed (Partly) and not to grieve (Most). But well I think I got too serious in it, been sick for three weeks due to the stress (Never experience sth like that when I was the player myself instead of the coach). Could not focus well after the matches in our class. And I promised to leave for two months (April to June) after March to focus on my studies. Not about the time but the energy I may put into.

Then like, I finally was recovering last week, they told me they enrolled in that competition, wasn’t serious so just tell them to prepare themselves using the notes I gave them when it was inter-school. Although the category is slightly lower, yet I was truly happy for them. Very unexpected.

3. If we like, take a systemic analysis towards myself, I think things pretty much add up, they sort of explain and lead to one another. Such was a casual conversation I have with Ann Kay Wong. Here are the cases brought up:

First: he’s too big-man la, trying to control me, jealous of me, and he wants sex too much

Explanation: Jealous–>Big man–>Trying to control me–>Wants Sex

Second: when we quarrel he never takes the step to remedy the situation.

Explanation:Ego+Dignity+Face>Relationship–>Not doing anything , Taking Apology = Value relationship > Right or wrong

4. Kenneth once said science is merely a way of systemic collection of knowledge, which I can’t agree more.

It seems that in the past I just used to think that science as something purely science, but if we take a more liberal approach to the concept of science as an orgainsed approach towards any knowledge, the worlds as broader and brighter.

5. Again it took time, and I arrived at the good conclusion. Perhaps now after me switching to some functional way of looking at ideas and concepts, disregarding any normative concepts and values such as love, freedom, justice, it’s time to walk back to the theories.

The functional theories gave me the ideas of practical procedures of how to apply the ideas, instead of vaguely confusing myself of love=lust, belittling oneself=strong ego. Now we might go back a bit to give myself a stronger foundation of functional theories.

Like without science is blind, without religion is limp. Not sure whether it’s Einstein’s.

My dearest teachers and boys. [Sometimes I say to them (My boys), ladies, ladies, please behave!]

Their very sweet first trophy, I have been wanking in front of this picture for three whole days.

http://www.hkgolden.com/articles/article.aspx?id=7736&catid=31

No longer believe in those shits.

It is exactly this case that we increasingly draw ourselves to rationality and something alike blah blah blah. The burden is always on boys not girls.

Beware of irrationality, always. Please.

晚上外出和朋友吃飯，聊天想起其實更好的比喻，是心裡本來就沒有洞，但是你自卑硬覺有洞，不斷用下棋呀辯論呀讀書呀其他東西填進，結果填滿得在身體傷出了個洞。

後來還是覺得好寂寞，趁他們兩對情侶各自聊天時越行越慢，甩了他們自己一個人在喇沙利道散步。腦彈出不少東西，先是寂寞，然後在想其他東西，然後又覺得不如不要逃避就感受一下，但後來理性的想用多出的時間思考一下其他東西也無不妥，硬覺不妥反而不妥，由他去。

慢慢散步，又覺得人生識字憂患始，姓名粗記可以休。真的，有時就算有洞，讓它空了就算。偏是自己要感覺良好，當年那堆辯論下棋真的不如不做。沒問題硬搞問題，結果學壞了習慣。如果早知結果，當初就一定不會開始。

算了，其實除自己以外根本沒有太在意，又何必

雖恨人讀了點書就愛胡說，通常最少讀書的人是偏要誨人讀書，但是有時如果不裝模作樣的記下每天所讀再稍加議論，讀來效果可能也不怎麼大，這裡又可引我們那常用的遮羞布：「Hypocrisy is the homage vice pays to virtue.」

最近文筆稍練，但是還不能成像樣的字，回想是可能文字太空，所以現在嘗試讀一些學者的散文，例如為別人作序，偶而輕帶些哲學和歷史問題探討一類，將文字的流暢儘可能也加入些較思想性的東西。

其實大概離不開幾種東西：

很多時候文人固窮，所謂很多的思想獨立性一類還是得要建立於經濟基礎，但是一般人大概的了解是若然你是作家，你必需窮那才能談得上有文格不吃人間煙火的一類。

你受得了窮，但是還有很多別人給你的壓力。這個世界上最糾結的還是別人喜歡施壓，在東方社會中尤其常見。現有的媒體或多或少都被收買或對自己自我審查，別人不必扣帽子你就自己帶上。

文人也常是有種被認同受重視的欲望，但是常常也會因為這樣的事選錯了邊。例如不少文人就甘心在文革中為犬馬，他們不覺得是種罪，還認為這是自己出人頭地的機會，道德應有的代價。

他們也缺乏實際的經驗。當時陳獨秀等知識份子建立共產主義是要改變中國，而毛澤東等山豪土匪卻只要爭權保權。毛還誇自己是有虎氣和猴氣。虎氣主為凶猛，猴氣副為狡猾，他們都跑了眼。

其實放到現在還不是，加上我們大多都有學養而無文人的悍烈，有理性主義而無群體意識。香港大學學生會就是一例，有做大事受認受的欲望，但無深思也不考慮現實，別人責怪來還以為自己是悍衛道德價值。既浪費金錢，也不理解自己角色，又不明白社會上不靠你一只學生會得出結論。

想起牟師聽到自己在中國有些新儒學的研討會，他說其實捧不了毛澤東就捧你，只一個思想轉。記得唐君毅初來港在書信中表現得自負，在他給妻子信中也知他自視在哲學和個人修養是當今哲學家中頗高，有意來港繼續開班受徒。現在看來其實不錯，牟師這話讓我聽來覺得既瀟灑又寂寞。

偶而Randomly Search名人，到葉子楣有以下一段：

葉子楣息影多年，但她的名字仍時有所聞。

香港歷史上其中一套最賣座情慾片《玉蒲團之偷情寶鑑》，葉子楣與藝人徐錦江於水桶一幕戲，據說至今也在風月場所多作引用，有風塵女士向報章說：「『落缸』服侍客人前必要參考一下，加上《肉蒲團》本是我國色情文學巨著，記載了很多古代的性風俗和玩意，看罷此片更加獲益良多呢！」

我從來都沒有懷疑過仗義每多屠狗輩，想不到一如古時風塵女子們還是那麼有才學