Last night I couldn’t sleep, and we had a talk. Perhaps Mars was right, I am not caring too less, I am caring too much, about how the others are looking at me. Though resulting in all cocky behaviour  to cover up myself, and belittling myself at times, rethinking about the things happening around me.

If I truly don’t care, wouldn’t have much problems then. Might as he said, those who don’t care is behaving in a way most natural and is thus not not caring, whereas caring too much in the way that appears to be not caring, is truly offensive not caring.

Scenario: Chess Teams registered. Three of them registered. A total of fourteen people, two on the reserve in case of anyone missing.

The best of us forming the first team are: Raymond, Michael, Marcus, Timothy. Timothy will have to leave for some competition on the first day of the match, and therefore missing a few rounds.

Hubert agreed to play the role of reserve board for Timothy, even it means that he is just a substitute, hence no individual prize for his performance. (We usually have individual prizes alongside team prizes. A few rounds of plays, instead of all rounds, means no prize as incomplete.)

This should be really simple though, but a second team player, Alphonsus, then demanded to play for the first team. Felt quite surprised though, he was always that kind of rough and unfriendly, even egocentric. Egocentric is not a bad thing if you don’t offend, but he does that like breathing. 

He would also often miss out trainings, although with reasons, but then who cares, you are missing them that’s it. The most interesting thing is he only comes to me a week before the deadline submission. This is first improper as our internal deadline has long passed, and second it would be unjust if I knock out the other members without their consent.

I then offer him to play with Timothy and Hubert. He beat Hubert quite effortlessly, and so did Timothy against him. So I said, this would result in you gaining the substitute place of Hubert, but not the formal place for Timothy. He said then I want to remain in team two. I said you don’t mess up with me for a match with them then declining. 

He went frustrated, citing that I did say letting him choose. Well, ha, sure, but I always have a final call. After some time, I decided to have a talk with the members. Alphonsus defended himself with the claim that for whatever he does, he wants something to be able to put in his home. 

I said well, first, if you are really that good, which you have been in music (Violin + Piano Grade 8, Leading in Orchestra), then you really don’t need anything particular prizes to honour yourself. You can always prove yourself anytime you want by winning any prizes, or perhaps just a simple song will do. Prizes are just for those who are weak enough, those who are truly strong needs nothing like that.

Even that, it is nevertheless more honourable to be standing as winners for the team event, then alone for the individual event. Nameless numbers of our seniors did that, they come and go in history whose name was writ on water. If you are that good, people will know, or perhaps not, being forgotten. But that doesn’t matter. 

If you really want prizes, go and form a team that the strength is imbalanced: You are strong and your teammates are weak. Then you look good, the overall team results keep pairing you up with weak team, you look good the others look bad. I can always open a team four for you should you find enough members, and tell them only to appear on alternative rounds, which makes you look even better.

You are leading the Orchestra, you know it. How often do you see in your team that all violins are not coordinating, either too weak when in ensemble, or too loud in places of weak notes. (Everybody else is too loud, I am okay) Everybody is not an aggregate of solo, they are playing ensemble and it is different. The whole of parts is greater than the aggregate of parts.

So I say, let alone your bad temper, you also have a very poor judgment. You know you are too weak to win individually in our team as we are too balanced players, our strength does not differ that much like other teams. You know that you want real honour and prizes that can be cheated through imbalanced team formation is meaningless, you search for greater pride than this. You don’t care about team play, but then team prizes matters more, playing in a part bigger than yourself. You know this because you have been in the orchestra.

He was grabbing my chess clock in the argument. When finally, he was convinced and said he needed some time to think. I say “Keep the clock, sometimes when only we are under pressure, can we give something better than normal.” Subtle psychology perhaps, I want him to remember my words, get induced and join the first team.

1.There is an example which is fairly simple and simply illustrate the necessity of a fair judgment instead of misting around some vague concepts.

A group of students are asked to choose a number between 1-100. Then the teacher would sum up the numbers of the students, divide them accordingly to obtain the mean. The mean is further times two and divided by three. (2/3) Those who are closest to that number wins.

e.g. 5+25+60=90, 90/3=30, 30×2=60, 60/3=20

That means the one who chose 25 wins.

And the actual game was played. Here is how we understand it.

By common sense, 1-100, the maximum of which is 67, those who chose something over 67 is not sensible.

Assume that our opponents is rational, they choose something smaller than 67 as they assume rationality would lead to no-one choosing anything higher than 67, hence 45-67 is not a post-rational pick.

The same reason runs down and that we would only find ourselves arriving at 1.

Yet the result spoke of something at 9. What’s it about? 

The point here is that you first need to assume the others are rational, and then the others know that you and other players are rational as well. It does not follow that many of them be able to put themselves into your putting them into their putting them into your shoes. Not many of them are able to do such iteration.

Guess this somehow reflects my very spiral way of getting simple things complicated. Too rational makes me very away from reality. Or say, rational but not practical. Or say, not rational at all if rational implies a clear and proper thinking.

Okay done.

2.Before meeting my ex, I came to know Elena. Truth be told, at that time I was just a very vain ego, almost would just simply take any girl if they’d offer me a relationship. 

I even tried to get her attention by the following dumb way: On the day before the friendly match, she wrote on her blog that she had a period. So on that day of friendly debate, I presented her, aside from the exchange gift, a pack of painkiller(For period). 

Of course, the result was her school threatened to write a complaint letter to my teacher, which was… thanks for the effort of my seniors, I was not in serious trouble. But I still remember I cried in front of the class, and how Raymond begged for my mercy in front of the teacher for her understanding of my situation/idiotic move that get myself into trouble.

She is pretty, even prettier than my ex. She’s also very firm, reflective, knowledgeable. I swear god if given another chance, perhaps I would have find another way to make things happen. But my stupidity clouds my emotions, emotions cloud my judgment, let alone tactfully making up subtle emotions to attract her. 

She writes pretty good English as well, fluent in French and Korean. Now that I look into her blog, I found something like this: (You know, random search for ppl’s name after years you have not seen them) 

http://www.alivenotdead.com/elenakwongsc/blog.html

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Having been an only child for 8 years before the arrival of her little sister, jigsaw puzzles had been always been one of the scanty options of play at home. Checkers, or any competitive game, for that matter, were no fun when you played against yourself. Popular girls’ toys like Barbie dolls met the resentment of her mother, who opposed the gender-stereotyping, plastic figures that contaminated little girls’ minds with messages to dress prettily, flip their hair, bat their eyelashes and flounce about in coquetry. Playthings that closed off all the possibilities for a little girl, that lured them away from discovering the dormant potential within them and reduced them to sex objects.

Other than the slightly too heavy last sentence, the thing that caught my attention was the expression “flounce about in coquetry.” Geez, she’s really good. Of course I don’t know her that well, but seems decent enough. 

Chances are not mine though, hope one day I will have the maturity to match up. After all the gap existed in F.5 is still existing, but a bit narrower not wider perhaps.

1. Have been studying materials, various kinds of materials, from chess, to dating tips, to literature, to game theory.

2. Yes, without exaggeration, they are all very useful, and seem to be pointing to just one thing – Perception. To be more to the point we can do some simple generalisation about the tools I used:

Chess –  Reflects my way of thinking

Dating Tips – Self and Perception of Self

Literature – Thoughts and Sensitivity Shaping through actual wordings

Game theory – Rational basis for countering 

And then depper elaboration:

Chess – I feel that for chess there can be two types of players – Those who are practical and only focus on the results, Those who tends to focus on the inner side of the struggle, lies and truth, plans and execution. I always think that if without the intellectual component, just results and calculation, chess would be very dull.

However, somehow I tend to let the struggle itself get over me, then I ignored the importance to actually walking the game until I have proven my win. The complexity itself got the better of me that I almost forgot the simple objective of the game, and even impaired me to understand the whole game. 

That’s somehow my tendency towards life as well. Always too immersed with my own perspective, intricate but not accurate, even childish understanding. Losing the way as too excited with something that seems to be of great importance but actually isn’t. Whereas I always miss the obvious and being doubtful even if shown a dull way to do things correctly.

Cyrus advised me to stick to the simple and play for the direct and obvious ones. Perhaps the cynical one that everything must have intrinsic values (Or either Imay create such) shall simply discarded.

Dating Tips – The correct approach is always, to build upon yourself. I think I am still too concerned and hence try to produce of what I want the others to look at me.

“Q: What do guys need to know about self confidence in order to gain it? 

If you would ask me to name the most important thing in the game of seduction this would be it: self-confidence. Unfortunately it isn’t a thing that can be taught over night, there’s no magic pill for it.

Self-confidence is a state of mind that allows you to achieve anything you truly desire; girls are no exception, just the sweet prize at the top. And you need to believe only one thing: if your mind wants one thing, with the right guidance, it will find a way to get it.

Once you understand that your core personality, moral principles, and strong values are what really matter, the way you will actually look, talk or act will be deeply be affected by it. The change starts from the inside and will shape each action you make.”

Failure of social life and relationship comes in simple term: The concern of projected image, of the image I want them to understand me as, but not with understanding of true self, nor what I truly want nor desire. I don’t understand myself enough. Still, the three principles are quite clear above.

Being yourself is also important:

“Here’s the issue — the issue we all forget: The minute you walk around wondering, “Does she like me?” you’re basically giving your power away to her, without even realizing it. Then, the next time you see her when you go out on a date, you’re not really yourself because you’re so caught up with wondering if she likes you and wanting her to like you that you hold back who you really are. And in dating, isn’t that the whole point? 

In order to get the ending right — to finally find that great woman you could spend eternity with, or at least happily ever after for two years — you need to find someone who likes you (and is dating you) for who you are instead of liking you for who they think you are. You need to stop worrying about if she likes you, and you need to flip the switch and the power. You need to think: Do you like her? Is she somebody you can hang with? Is she somebody you can envision going on vacation with? Is she somebody you’d like to wake up with in the morning? Is she sexually compatible with you? Do you like the way she moves? Do you like the way she talks? Do you like the way she takes care of herself? And most important, are you able to be 100 percent authentic in front of her? Are you being yourself, or are you just being a version of yourself in order to get her to like you? “

I always missed that and thus fake my ballsy acts. No wonder I always feel uneasy and do stupid things.

Literature -

1. Reading a few makes you feel need to boast, those who read a lot in turn be humble and kind.

2. Makes yourself agreeable with proper expressions.

3. Gain more insights and thoughts, which is always important.

4. Make sure you are saying what you truly want to say, and lower mis-communication in unintended situations.

Game theory – I always wanted something rational-based to fill the gaps of my philosophy. It seems to me that game theory is a very philosophical one in the sense that, out from pure practical, strategical models, it strengthens the argument of “Don’t be self-centered” instead of the weak moral preaches. I have a distaste of funny-looking moral arguments always, this rational-based argument seems to be suiting me better.

Gosh, it’s 0715, shall just get something to eat and then sleep.

http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_4701280b0102e0fm.html

1. It seems to me that I will never be able to leave this place for better for worse. The writing of here has been necessary for rethinking of myself.

As always this semi-open space gives me balance between confession and secrecy. 

2. And yes, I am egocentric, trying to change but still not very successful. Objectively, changes are made, but they are far from enough. The correct judgments are still quite blurred with other not important facts that avoid me from arriving at a conclusion.

It’s no longer I am not able to see myself, in the past yes, now, I really cannot look at my back. 

3. I shall again make a small count here of some of my mistakes:

1- Lack of Humour (More an attitude about give-and-take of opinion and things)

2- Ivy-effect (Climbing on fab books and classics to inflate yourself, which can only be a primary motive for reading, now it’s time to change a bit)

3- Sentimental judgment (People I know who have a clear mindset does not imply with good ability, but with good ability comes clarity of mind.)

4- Not anticipating reply (Not putting yourself into others’ shoes and think how will they read your message)

5- Lack of focus (Often losing my patience)

Respective solutions:

1-Joke about oneself before joking with other things or ppl

2-Do more reading to get yourself humble (Often we in high-school or Uni just read a few and then boast about certain theories/philosophies. True a-lot-reader often would be humble for all the books they read)

3-Being sensible, most of the time, if possible. Don’t just focus on my own emotions, ups and downs.

4- Try think of the exact words you would say instead of just vague words, read/listen again to see whether it goes with our expectations or not.

5- “Finish one quality thing is better than a thousand undone.”

4.If I cannot manage even simple relationships – My position and the proper position and interaction with others, I would tend to lose my focus and being too much or too less. Either dependence or ignorance. Rely Materialistic Comfort or Spiritual Reconciliation.

5. You know, usual psychological techniques. But then I am increasingly realise that once I grasp the correct position of myself, those other so called techniques comes without extra effort. On the other hand, without the proper position, those joke-around+pride/confidence things would just be overdone.

6. All these typings make me look too nutty. It’s time to get to bed and slowly infuse those above ideas day by day, just like what I did since four years ago.

喂呀我真係覺得好悶幾時先暖番呀喂

1當時說要生男孩或女孩，我們三兄弟都說想要個妹妹。有時媽一個女人在家是挺可憐的，其餘四個都是男人。後來長大了，想法也改變了。生女兒會讓人搞，還不如生男的搞別人女兒。

2網上討論區有條題目，說女孩是可愛比漂亮好，就好像是小孩一樣。據自己的經驗，其實這種選擇並不算好。很難去區分所謂的孩子氣和公主病。她對你的依賴會造成自我的膨脹。而且老實說，女人想找個可靠的男人然後只聽他的話做個小女人，男人不是麼。是誰都想一輩子有人照顧自己什麼都不用煩，不論男女。

當然，成熟和責任總是無可避免的有些交換，也不由你去選擇，確是人生對人生觀開的玩笑。

3父母對我是嚴格了，我也很了解他們對我有所待，畢竟是最大的兒子。但是他們也不太了解我，對於之前些耍脾氣弄不好的成績，對於朋友，對於自己，對於到底是不是一直就會這樣工作下去回不了頭。倒是挺害怕這樣平淡就過了一生，更害怕畢業就會失業。

一個只能在紙上才能形造多少形象的人是多大的廢物，所以我常對他說別步你哥的後塵。說真的最好進些什麼大學學你想學的，你和我一樣都多少有點自卑，但你不像我自卑會化成些具攻擊性的行為和言語。儘管也替我養成多少思考和能力，但你有的是沉默和更多的觀察與反思，比我更多的耐心。這些將會帶你比我走得更遠。

http://forum7.hkgolden.com/view.aspx?message=3479161&page=13

巴打講野好玄, 好黑色幽默 
 
我想問, 1)如果1個人成日好易比人影響, 應該點樣可以搵到自己既立場? 
2) 時間真的能把所有痛苦沖淡嗎? 
3) 你認為人性的弱點有那些? 請加以說明 
4) 你自己係一個比較理性的人? 那麼拍拖會有很多困難/挫折嗎?

1.立場即看法，看法即判斷。不想有想法是不想和別人有衝突，也可以是自己沒有判斷。 

你可以這麼想，你如果是不想和別人有衝突，那麼就儘量避免衝突，但是為避免麻煩引來更大的麻煩，那也是問題。關鍵是想一想到底你能不能得罪那人，又或者是事件的後果是不是能承受。 

如果是對於事情判斷不准，那是因為你對事情了解不夠深，沒有給自己足夠的時間沉澱出一些看法（注意，大部份看法都不是想出來的，都是沉澱出來的。）多練習就可以。 

2.時間不能把痛苦沖淡，在我看來也無需這樣做。如果你失去了一個很愛你，對你很好，你深知也是值得托付終身的男人，那麼痛苦當然是很合理的。 

不應痛苦的不感痛苦，但是值得的應該覺得痛苦的為什麼要逃避？時間讓我們更深知自己的想法，就算那些年都過去了，最重要的事對我們而言還是歷久常新。 

時間只能把無關重要，而我們當時自以為很重要的破情感抹掉。我們習慣把蚊子叮說成痛苦，那麼時間過去了你當然就覺得不痛苦了。依我看來你一定還沒有嘗過骨折的滋味。 

3.人性的弱點在我看來只有兩字：Fear and Desire。 

要不恐懼和懦弱，要不慾望和佔有。兩者也是無底的。 

4.理性只是合理的思考，不一定是冷酷無情，計算。例如不會呷醋，不輕易發脾氣，懂得應付別人的情緒，懂得尊重對方交友和活動的自由等等。（給你管了又如何，會跑的都是會跑的） 

一個比較理性的人必然比一個不理性的，經常很情緒化的另一半更可靠。事實上只要是人也不可能太理性的，但要說的話可能只是自己含金量較高。 

當然這也做成了我和異性溝通上不少的麻煩，但是你不一定要理解，你不用明白為什麼她們可以穿泳衣讓別人看但不能穿內衣讓別人看，你不用明白她們花三十分鐘穿衣服的分別。你只需要知道些簡單的心理學，還有就是兩性之間平等的認識和交往，沒有什麼男神女神的那種心態，就好。 

這些都是我四年前分手後自己悟出來的。 

本條信息免費。

1.當時就想著不在這裡打字，不料原來日子忽倏過也就四天了。別人常說臉書必需不常用，就算常上也總得不留言不Like，以顯示自己除非死不可以外還是有自己的生活。不知怎麼，可能當你真的不在乎時，一切也就那麼的自然那麼的理所當然。

2.有些時候還以為能靠這手字這網誌泡妞，待久了就發覺自己其實是心理糾結、自視過高、尖酸狐疑、社交能力弱得只能在網上存活。而當中有部份有聯絡的異性也和我一個樣。這樣的人不要說交往，相處也很難。

說起來一直忽略了現實的生活，一切注意重視都放這裡。就像在安全的範圍狂歡，獲得意淫的勝利。這是多大的廢物。人們嘗說文人無用，而我連文人也不算，居然還常以此意淫著勝利，現在想起都覺得…

3.拜年到親戚家，打麻雀是閒事。離開時弟才對我說我看不出親戚們和我打牌時不太愉快，沒勁兒。說來是自己初學打得慢。雖然已能掙幾個錢，但有錢在內不得不謹慎。何況輩份沒去到能和他們平起平坐，他們不想每每只能打些擦邊球，因為總是比較體諒晚輩。也許只顧玩樂未有察覺，但不知不覺下幸好也算較早離開。 

我不是那種那種把快樂築在別人沒趣身上的人。雖然可惜還有點依戀，但時候到了就該離座，不要大吵大鬧。

4.現在說中國人，是素質的問題，不光是扣不扣帽子，誰是誰不是的問題。你是不是一個中國人，承不承認你是中國人，也改變不了你的素質。我常覺得你是什麼國家的人，跟你信什麼教都差無多，總點是你是不是一個善良而聰明的人。

包容不代表縱容，人道主義包容，但利用人道主義的包容則可恥。這點不論是兄弟姐妹、朋友、男女朋友亦然。一方包容，一方視作理所當然得寸進尺，最後另一方忍無可忍，關係破裂。

其實同胞們來不是問題，問題是他們大多把人道主義看成理所當然，又敵視香港人，而且基本的禮儀和文明也缺乏。人生來平等，有些人偏要自侮。

大概人讀書可分兩個階段，一是於求學時看書，不必是通俗，深入而無人鑽研，朋儕間無人曾拜讀的巨大理論更佳。讀完一兩本書以後必需和別人炫耀一番，還喜歡在於未有深切了解其他著作的不同看法就對它進行批判。然後板著臉，教訓別人應該多點看書，又或者說其實不應看書，直接間接也算。

二是書讀得差不多，於是讀書只為其中樂趣，不必和別人分享和解釋太多。選書時只要有興趣的，不理是什麼知識份子或平民，高雅或粗糙，皆可讀。而且真的讀得比較多書以後，對事情對人的看法應該比較寬容。讀通了書以後，也能把書的道理簡化，去掉一大堆陳腐的詞組，了解書上的知識也不過常識，不必覺得每每談論要祭出某個詞語才行。

和老師聊天，他說我成績不好只是我不在乎，而不是不知。向他解釋了只把Plagiarism檢查了，然後忘了交教授，後來教授接受我的網上提交紀錄時，他對我說其實我還是在乎的。 他明白了倒好，我敬重他，在乎他的看法。

我不是不在乎，只是對很多東西都後知後覺。很多人都給了我很大的啟發去改變，沒有你們我活了都如不活一樣。例如從別人角度思考、讀書應有的態度、不要意氣用事覺得委曲就頹放做事。這些對我來說都學都改得很吃力。

今天也是聊天時才發覺自己成了自己最討厭，開口閉口都一大堆理論和名詞的廢物。老師也不客氣說是Bullshit。「知既笑死唔知既嚇死」有時你理性上明白，卻未必能發現原來習慣如舊，但發現了一定就能改。儘管要時間，大概還有多少。

還有一點，寫了以後也覺年輕時總想裝成熟，但是成熟不是什麼操作性的東西，你是裝不出一種態度來的。雖然裝不了成熟，但我也非不成熟，就好像是站在中間，你看著不多也不少。