You can go on pretend that you don’t care about anything, keep on isolating yourself from others, fuck up school work, writing shit blogs with fragile witticisms, being consumed by people who is even more bored than you do, masturbating on the possibility that your ex girlfriend is reading, and keeps this fucking circle on until you really see your life wasted on all these crazy without any hope because now you are too old to change anything anymore.

Or you can stand up now, get real to things happening around you, be serious and fight back.

There are all the reasons to be cautious about the so called National Education. It is because it concerns our future generation, therefore it is important to make sure the thing is clear and unambiguous when it is out. When in doubt, just hold and wait, it’s that simple.

All talks are quite useless, if you insist on pushing the thing before it’s cleared a check, there’s no talk. All are just PR.

It’s the fiction and movies, soaps that draw us to idiosyncracies of men. Complete normal looking good people can have all the secrets that you don’t know. A nice man turns out to be obsessive self-pitying and therefore control freak. Ugly man turns out to be nice and gentle. Things you can think of, things you cannot think of.

Sort of like a Clockwork Orange. Like I remembered myself discovering myself after the others discovered me, like break-up after a relationship, near-death experience, fights with family members. It’s after you get close to the others that you know they are like you, but just being weird, to the question of what is their obsession is another thing.

Lately I have also the feeling of artificial stuffs, like hating those things that are not natural, counter to common sense. Like a perfect game, perfect essay, maybe Ikea nesting combinations, good looking and stuff, perfectness, national education. All that is artificial is not quite art, whatever that is not art is basically shit. Quite explains the post-modern terms’ ambiguous stance, that almost all post-modern stuffs are shit.

Why not we always have to be in control, let the circumstances, let the things around you ending owning you? Maybe just let loose, let go all hope, then you will know no normative stuffs, won’t always be so normative but just positive, scientific, like what they say in economics.

Always in your comfort zone you will never grow, everyday you break yourself, everynight you are a new man again.

I asked a lesbian friend why is she lesbian. She said because men these days are too disappointing.

Words of wisdom, and I have to say I am kind of agreed. Women these days are having better education than men, more endurance in emotion, greater communication and socialising ability, higher income.

Men are however polarising, either they are better or they are worse in almost all terms comparative to women.

And I am a believer in social Darwinism.

有時隨手亂翻書會讀到一兩句意想不到的妙句，然後你對那個作者感到興趣去找他的幾本書來讀，讀了才發覺原來他就是自己一路以來所遇不到的知音。很不幸有時就這麼隔世了但也可幸最少還能在某個時空相遇。人生在世最大的安慰是邏輯上總有可能存在著另一個平行的時空，在那裡可以完滿不少的缺陷。

這是今天讀到的：

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise. -Alden Nowlan, poet, novelist, and playwright (1933-1983)

突然覺得事情終於也能完滿地解決了。

有時要重複多寫幾次才能找出問題，所有問題的關鍵都在什麼才要收手。

小時候聽話讀書用功舉報不當行為，得到的是同學的欺負。發覺其實師長父母並不可靠，他們的所謂規則規矩不能幫你只能害你，下課以後誰都保不了你。

這算是機緣，有時世事就是這麼無理，叫小孩尿不滴地，他誤解了就把每次都把陰徑放在廁所上得來一身花柳。聽話有時會受罰，有時不會，就是不可理諭。

於是就開始和欺負我的人玩，每次都被欺負而越被欺負越要爭取認同。其實不是要欺負人，只是他們代表了一直沒有的勇氣和反叛。但是我一路都得不到所要的，反而把受氣的情緒發洩在家人。

之前沒有提到，是那時有兩種念頭產生：

1.不相信人

2.關係或要靠權力威迫，或要乞憐回來。

上到中學壓力加大覺得名氣不少，那自然是自大和自卑的加劇。拍拖時佔有欲強是兩者混合的最佳表現。高考成績不如理想，於是上到大學只混課外活動而學業是小聰明應酬而已。

再讀一次：

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise. -Alden Nowlan, poet, novelist, and playwright (1933-1983)

突然所有事情都通了明白了，忘記了。

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise. -Alden Nowlan, poet, novelist, and playwright (1933-1983)

其實現在已經可以完全理解當初為什麼會分手，都是怕失去所以越抓越緊，別人難受自己更難受。至於為什麼會怕失去，原因是小時候被人欺負得多，以致對別人產生需要靠能力證明自己才能有穩定的關係的錯覺。很難說到底所謂聽從師長成績好舉報同學是不是有知覺地進行，吃了大虧。

從看見我到愛上我到發覺原來我不是她所想的到離開我，她當時哭我沒留意，我現在想起其實跟我無關，而只是她的想象像波板糖一樣被現實取走。到頭來我像一個玩具，被美好的想象過然後發現原來不是像想象一樣。我也覺得當時我對待她太差了，雖然最後收尾如此，但是畢竟也有愛過。如果當時性格更強更成熟一點，其實未必會這樣。

她只是甩了一個比她更自卑佔有欲強的我，我失去的是一個懂得成熟不過礙於關心不懂得開口的她。這些年後一直都很後悔，就算現在可以再發展都總是遲疑。還是很喜歡她，但是她不想見，我不能也沒有如何強求。

總而言之就是這樣，And Life Is Always Going On Even When You Are Typing This。

I retract my previous entry because of its childishness. It was late at night. I was lonely.

Rose Rose Rose Rose Rose Rose Rose Rose Rose Rose.

I miss thee.

Now training myself like a fucking samurai. Running, Push-Up, Reading, Studying, Controlled Diet.

The mistake made was that whatever logically conceivable is not working in reality. Our body, emotions, must win in 100% whenever our mind wants to fight them.

When you study overnight your body crashes, you want to conceal your emotion in fact led to a greater breakdown, one cut in some bad habit gave a worse than ever relapse.

If you want to build up yourself, you must find a harmony and gradually change things, not just always impetuous once-for-all, such change must always fail, such fought against the body and emotions of selves. Body and emotions are not our enemies, they tell us what we need. Ignoring them is not good, learn to feel what they say and change that part.

All the essence of life is a mere “Punch when you have to punch, Kick when you have to Kick,” Such simple, such difficult. If you are not able to position with honesty in observation to yourself, you will always find the wrong plan and get into quagmire.

That summarises my intern experience. The problem was the unimpressing was due to over-impressing. Should I have learnt my position better with honesty to myself, I would have contended myself with what I have, and do what I was told. I felt useless and tried for more, ended up got isolated with the acts of impressions considered by others as unnecessary troubles.

Hmm, four years of writing and finally I am now feeling evolved.